Dunken
ubw newbie
Joined: Oct 22, 2006
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 8:42 pm |
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Well this is my first post, It's no where near finished, but I hope you enjoy what I have to offer, and if you dont I will greatly take in any advice. I scribbled this down on a piece of paper one night after me and my girlfriend go into a fight, hope you like it.
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I'll keep dreaming that everythings alright,
It'll have to be someday, if we're really gonna make it anyway.
These stupid fights, keep me up all night
wondering if your alright, maybe i'm uptight,
but .
(pause)
I'll keep dreaming, thats everythings alright. |
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Aubrii
ubw rookie
Joined: Aug 21, 2005
Posts: 152
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| Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 10:26 am |
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Hey welcome to UBW. Good first post, but allow me to critique, yes? yes.
/revised/
I'll keep dreaming that everything's alright
but its hard to believe with all these stupid fights
long nights spent wondering if you're okay
wondering if we'll make it anyway
and maybe its me but
(pause)
I'll keep dreaming
ok so i tried to keep with the theme you set, I made it so it all doesn't rhyme with "alright" Too much rhyming is sometimes a bad thing. I kept your pause in there because i love the idea. Pauses in my opinion add suspense and depth to the work. Anyway, i hope you like it
-Aubrii |
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