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personaljesus
ubw newbie
Joined: Jul 10, 2006
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 7:17 pm |
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Black Sunrise
The sun rises and sets
Over and under my world
But it stopped one day
Only darkness filled the sky
My mind ran insane
The streets filled with darkness
Was the day where the sun ran black
Never to feel the same
Never to go back to the light
Always to be fading
But never fading out
My life
Which was ahead
Now distraught
All I see is blackness
And all I want I cannot have
My shadow is no more
My only partner in life
I have no where to run
No where to hide
All is black
All is gone
How will I survive?
The darkness parts
A light shines through
It’s you
I see it clear as day
But you turn away
Not even noticing my hurt
You were supposed to be there
My savior
The only hope is now gone
The world begins to fade
All has been lost
And I will suffer
The black sunrise has taken it’s victim
It will never come again
I am dead!
what do you guys think? |
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Aubrii
ubw rookie
Joined: Aug 21, 2005
Posts: 151
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:34 am |
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This poem is good besides the fact that it has uneven stanzas. Some have four lines, some have three, and some have more. That's not really a problem i guess since it still flows nicely, it just bugs me personally. Good work otherwise. i couldn't find much to critique |
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personaljesus
ubw newbie
Joined: Jul 10, 2006
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:04 pm |
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hmm never knew that poems followed rules that affected the words in a line, i'll kep that in mind next time i wirte one. |
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Aubrii
ubw rookie
Joined: Aug 21, 2005
Posts: 151
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:15 pm |
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i don't know if its an actual rule, i just think it n=makes the poem look better and makes it have a better ompact and structure. Just an oppinion |
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