JokE of thE mOMent

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 4:01 am

got this in an e-mail today...
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)
(it's a real treat)
(masterpiece)
(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
man's a
Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? - I knew you would be........

ubw newbie Joined: Sep 22, 2005 Posts: 14

Pretty cool jokes you guys... I had a fun time reading all of them. LOL!

Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 11:36 pm

I'm stealing this one - it awesome! Smile

Whats the difference between a truckfull of marbles and a truckfull of babies?
.......
....
..
..
...

You can't load the marbles on with a pitchfork.

-Seneki

Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 5:41 am

You can't load the marbles on with a pitchfork............

..........

........

............

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 4:59 am

cool stuff from an e-mail sent to me..........

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE I=

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 6:17 am

......HEBREWS

..Won't be showing that to my li'l lady Laughing

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:45 am

Three people were sitting in a hot tub and suddnley there was a beeping sound .the first person raised his arm out of the water and pressed his fore arm and the beeping stoped....seeing the puzzled looks on the other's faces he explaned " it's my beeper,i've had a chip installed in my arm , it's like a beeper to let me know when some one is calling for me"....and just then a ringing sound was heard... the second person raised his hand out of the water, cupped his hand and spoke into his hand like a phone.."hello..? oh' let me call you back" ..again puzzled looks...he explanes he also has a divice implanted in his hand like a cell phone. The third person has no implants or divices and is feeling really lo-tech.He gits out of the tub and goes into a near by restroom. he's only gone a minute or two then he returns to the tub ,turns his butt to the others ,and they see he has 1 sheet of toliet paper stuck between his butt cheeks. He smiles, and happily exclaims,"oh look! i'm getting a FAX!".....

_________________

Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 5:16 pm

a redneck couple decide its time to send there son to school and enroll him in the local prep school.
after his first day tommy comes running in and his dad asks"so son what did you learn today"
tommy replies"we learnt our alphabet but all the other kids went abc but i said abcdef is that beacuse im a redneck dad"
"yes son thats because your a redneck"
next day tommy comes from school again and his dad ask him what he learnt
"we learnt to count today dad but all the other kids went 123 and i went 123456 is that because im a redneck dad"
yes son thats because your a redneck"
the following day tommy comes in and again his dad asks what he did
tommy replies"we did sports today dad but when we got in the showers all the other boys weiners were small but mine was much bigger is that because im a redneck dad"
"no son thats because your 29"

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 7:26 am

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then . JUST ONE GUESS NOW DON'T CHEAT

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 8:21 pm

There's a little girl standing on a cliff-top, crying.
She is bawling her eyes out and looks very sad.

A priest walks up to her and says "What is the matter my child?"
She says "The car went over the cliff - mummy and daddy are DEAD!"
Then the priest opens his fly and says "Well it's just not your day today is it sweetie?!"

(I take no responsibility for this joke, even if it is funny...)
-Seneki

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:50 pm

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
<>
<>You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<>Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

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