hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 8:53 pm |
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Im not sure about this one, i like but at the same time i feel it could use work. but i feel that way about everything I wirte.
"Autumn Leaves"
The autumn leaves fall
And so will I
As the seasons change
Along with our hearts
Broken down on the side of the road
Followed by the hearse
It will take the dark roads
You know them well
We’ve been down them before
Without any stars to guide us
And now I’m dodging
Your stares
You try to engrave
In my wrists
And these bathroom floors
Are colder then the blood
Left in my veins
I fell asleep in my bedroom
Alone except for the posters
On my wall
I woke up in the morgue
Next to my heart
With several incisions
Trying to figure out the cause of death
They’ll never know it was
My daggers decision |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 2:06 am |
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Nice. I agree completely with what silent_stoneface replied with. It grabbed my interest a lot with the last line of the first verse. When I look at this, I see dark, but I also see words that are quite intriguing. It may sound like the cliche "star wars" phrase, but what you wrote seems to say to me, "Join the dark side." Of course' it's a good dark side in this case, because I'm referring to good writing. I know that may sound strange, but if it does, strange isn't necessarily bad, and it's not bad at all in this reply. That's what I think, but I gotta' go now. Later! |
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