"Eternal Words" (anti-suicide)

Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:26 pm

Hey All,

This song is one I wrote about two weeks ago, maybe two and a half. I came up with an idea when I sat down to write, and I just went with it. The idea in mind was excerpts from a suicide note (I created a fake one), and between the lines, that are part of those excerpts, I decided I'd put my input in parenthesis, directed towards the made-up writer. I also decided, while writing this, to sing the whole song in two very different tones of my voice. When I sing the excerpts from "the note", I use the vocal tone that I almost always use, and when I sing the parts in parenthesis I sing in a much lower, and an even more, darker tone. The exception is the Chorus. That is sung in my usual tone, and it's my thoughts, but not in parenthesis. This is the only song I've written like this, and it'll probably stay that way. It's much different than my usual writing style. This is called, "Eternal Words"...

"Eternal Words"

If you're reading this,
I'm sorry; I'm gone...
(You only thought about yourself.)
I just wanted to tell you,
I loved you so much...
(You loved yourself more.)

Do you remember the time,
that I swallowed all those pills?
Where was my head? It didn't kill me.
(It made them cry...
You disregarded.)

Chorus:
These words could be enscribed
by anyone of you
who are ready to leave.
I know,
what it's like,
but these words are selfish words,
and they'll last forever.
The stain won't come clean.

If you're hurt by this,
don't cry for me; I'm fine.
(What about the ones who care?)
I wanted to smile with you.
You smiled so much.
(You stole that smile with your words.)

Do you remember the light
that you told me would glow within?
Mine never lit. You felt yours shining.
(You stole that light...,
when you departed.)

Chorus

Bridge:
(The note goes on to say...)
You'll see me someday.
But I have to stop, and end this note.
Don't ever forget me. I'm sorry for this.
-One more thing, I need to tell you...

Please don't look in the closet...
That's where I did the deed.
I don't want you to see me there.
Don't feel like I didn't care
for you... Farewell.

updated Outro. -not sung in a lower voice:

So if you choose, to say goodbye for good,
know that you'll change, the lives that stayed beside you,
and you will leave, an everlasting impression.
-A dent, never to be repaired...,
left on the ones that will be,
left behind...

Don't ever say goodbye...

EnD

I wrote this, because I've seen the effects suicide can have on the loved ones who live on, and when people read this I want them to forget any considerations, they may have, of "ending it all." The effects I did see, were absolutely devastating to those involved. So, I pretty much put a lot of emotion into this one. If I ever get to perform this on a stage, I want to try to prevent some of these tragic outcomes. I know it would be tough, but this is one of the many things I really want to make a difference with, in the future. Even though I know most people who are suicidal have little control over their thoughts, after going through trouble myself, for years, I've now learned that ending your own life is selfish and stupid. I just didn't know it before, because my subconscious mind was basically telling me not to care, because that seemed like "the answer."

I would be very appreciative, and into hearing, any feedback on this one. If you can, just let me know your thoughts on suicide, if you think this song does well with what I was going for, or whatever else you have to offer. All opinions are welcome. Thanks a lot.

Cheers and a smile, All!

RiCterMan

ubw rookie Joined: Jun 28, 2005 Posts: 133

hey dude, this song is seriously your best work, it is very well done and I enjoyed everu bit of it except for the 2nd last verse to me i think the way its worded kind of ruins it and it could do with out that part. but besides that good job. suicides a very serious matter and you did it perfectly with out going over board.

Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 1:45 am

Thanks much, hereafter!

I am curious as to which part you are referring to, when you said "2nd last verse." The reason I'm wondering is because all of the different parts to this song need to be in it, otherwise it wouldn't flow correctly (Not offended Smile

). However, if you told me the part that is weakly worded, I'd definitely wanna' try to fix it.

Also, I really tried not to go overboard, and I'm glad you feel I didn't. It definitely is a very controversial subject, and if anything ever did come out of a future attempt to gain a career in music, going overboard would kill that pretty quickly. I just tried to give it enough to where it would show how I feel about this, as well as send the message I was trying to send. Another thing I'm hoping for, is that more people on the UBW can get something from this. Cheers!

RiCterMan

Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 11:27 am

Hey,

I've been visiting this website for awhile now, looking at people's writings, deciding if i wanted to join or not. I just wanted to say that though i've only been seeing your stuff for about a week now, i think this is really well written and the best one i've seen from your stuff, (not at all implying your other stuff was bad. sorry if it came out that way)

i like the way you go back and forth from the person who committed suicides letter, to your thoughts about it. i think it shows both viewpoints, and how it effects both people. nicely done!

Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 7:20 pm

Thanks guitarchick! I'm glad you liked it.

I didn't see if you posted anything in this forum yet, but if you did I'll check it out. I try to look at everything I can on here.

Also, if you have any criticisms to offer for any of my other threads here, please post them. I never get offended by that, and I like to hear about mistakes I've made, so I can better quality of my lyrics.

What I just said to guitarchick applies to everyone. If you have the time to leave any suggestions, just hand them on over, and I'll be appreciative. I'm not looking for just compliments. I'm grateful for those, too, but I really want to further my writing.

Thanks guitarchick, and everyone else! Cheers!

RiCterMan

ubw rookie Joined: Jun 28, 2005 Posts: 133

hey, its this part that i didnt really like:

Please don't look in the closet...
That's where I did the deed.
I don't want you to see me there.
Don't feel like I didn't care
for you... Farewell.

I dont no why i just feel that it ruins the flow of a really great song. but thats just my opinon. I understand what your trying to do, its just the words you use I guess. right now i cant really think of what id put. but thats all right, you still did a great job and i enjoy reading it everytime.

Keep up the good work

ubw rookie Joined: Apr 30, 2005 Posts: 81

man ya shit's fat i mean even i ain't again suisaids phhh maybe coz i trid onc but f**k it
fo real i tink it's hot...it reminds STAN a lil bit phh... it's realy cool

PIS

INDEFINITE

Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 12:35 am

hereafter: Thank you for the compliments. I greatly appreciate that.

Hopefully, by now, you know that I always take criticisms without getting offended.

However, that's an important part of the song. I know it is a little weak, lyrically, but that part is the "climax", if you will, of the songs intensity. It's got some notes that are sung in a high pitch, at the end of the first three lines, and then the fourth line is sung somewhat louder, and in a much lower pitch than that, except it's still somewhere in the middle of high pitched and low pitched. Then, the fifth line has a sound like there is emotion, verbally, "leaking" out of me. What I mean by that, is that it lowers in volume, until the end of the line, and it has that slight, "on the verge of crying" sound to it.

Honestly, I thought you meant the whole last part (the Outro). To experiment, I actually changed it, just to see if I could make it better, and I came up with something, that I like a lot more. After I created the replacement to that part, I decided I am going to change it, because the part that's been in this thread until now, hasn't really struck a chord with me that much. The new, altered Outro sounds a million times better, to me. I'll edit this post after I'm done replying, and you guys can judge the change, if you want to.

En-En: Thanks for the kind reply, man. I'm glad you liked it, and I'm grateful for the comments you gave.

I'm gonna edit this post now. Cheers, to All!

RicterMan

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 2:52 pm

wow...this is intense. i love it, its a really cool idea, the reply to a suicide note...very original, and very well done. i think that the outro part kind of ruins the feel of it though...it makes it less, i dunno, real?...its like you're telling this powerful story and then you say "well that didnt really happen but wouldnt that be horrible if it did?" lol...but yeah, awesome song overall.

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 11:29 pm

Once again, thanks a lot! I really appreciate it.

I accept your criticism, without offense, so what I'm about to say is simply supposed to be informative. The Outro is just supposed to be strongly advising people to keep trying to live, because of the effects it will have on their family and friends. I tried not to make it sound like, "Oh, that didn't really happen", but more of a message saying, "If you choose to do what happened here (in the song lyrics), there will be consequences left for your loved ones (-the innocent, and true victims) to deal with.

I'm not trying to shut out what you said, so I hope you didn't take this in that way. Your insight is very good, and it's greatly refreshing to see your level of musical intellect. Very Happy

I've met more than a few people on the UBW, through these forums, who have that, and I haven't met anyone in person who does, except for my cousin. Anyway, I need to restart my computer. Then, I must return to read all the lyrics I haven't read since last time I looked around.

"Eternal Words" (anti-suicide)

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