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unbroken_silence
ubw newbie
Joined: Mar 26, 2005
Location: I'm here..in this hellhole.
Posts: 9
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| Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 2:29 pm |
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I wrote these a couple years ago like when I was 11 or something..Btw, I'm 14 today!
Home
What's the use
I lie here screaming out your name
But you don't hear me
You're my only refuge
Yet I am all alone
[Chorus]
My pain, my tears
My scars, my fears
Locked up inside
Nowhere to hide
Sanity is Lost
For you have taken it from me
I want to go home
Besides you
I have no reason to exist
Won't you hear me?
I lay my life before you
You know I love you so
[Chorus x2]
Don't neglect me again
I won't be forgotten again
[Chorus]
You people had better give me a reply on these because I went through pain looking for something to post on here. My hip ran into the desk really hard when I was coming back to sit in my chair. Lol. Later! |
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Brooksy
ubw screen dweller
Joined: Oct 08, 2004
Location: The Wastelands
Posts: 1899
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| Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 2:39 pm |
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Hi there dude...
A couple of pointers...if I may..well tough cause I'm gonna give 'em 
OK, so you wrote this when you were 11...and yes, amazing attempt...even my songs at that age don't match this calibre...but....having a CHORUSx2, and it being a long chorus, really isn't needed, maybe repeat: For you have taken it from me ,
I want to go home
Excuse me if I'm wrong, but having, again the chorus repeat twice then having what I'm assuming a bridge:
Don't neglect me again
I won't be forgotten again
..so short then back into a chorus after maybe a slight break would be a bit monotonous (damn my spelling ).
But, for a song written at 11, like I said...a-ok.
Look forward to reading, and maybe hearing some up to-date work.
Good luck,
Brooksy |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 6:28 am |
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Nice... I don't know what I would've been like writing lyrics at 11. I started at 16 or 17, and I give you some well deserved credit. I was nowhere near that good when I started.
Also, I can relate to what is interpreted, by me, when I read your lyrics. What I get from the lyrics is that you were struggling a little; I don't know how much, but... It also seems like someone was helping you go through more hard times, or something, and let's just say I've met some bad apples, and my family is a little off (some of them). I've gotten better and it's odd, because It was just the worst it's ever been, about four days ago. The next day, I woke up, and I haven't felt bad since then.
Anyway, like Brooksky said, man, you need to hit some more desks so we can read something more recent  . 14... I'd like to see how you're progressing, because really, if you got any better, you really have somethin' good in ya'.
Lastly, whenever I ask someone to check out any of my lyrics on here, it's usually because I think they'll give good input. So, basically, it'd be cool if you'd give em' a looksy(?), and just let me know what ya think. Keep it up! (Cheers!)
RiCterMan |
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