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StephieJo
ubw newbie
Joined: May 14, 2005
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 7:42 pm |
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Hely everyone, this is another song that I have written tOdAy!
Tell me what you think of it!
She was the girl on the ocean (It happens to everyone else)
When your mind really thinks
Of what you want
Nothing will Spark
So go back from the Start
An hour has past
And a simple question
Will only lead
To a thousand more answers
Just dig down to the soul
Of comic relief
And let your feet
Guide you across the ocean
The waves will help you find your way back
Chorus:
If you ever feel lost
Look for the girl within your lonely heart
And if there is doubt
Sure enough you're not playing the part
And if you begin to say
"I'm the only one who can change this emotion"
Well it's not you, it's her
She's the girl on the ocean
It's alright it's okay
Let it flow
These simple moments
Happen in a blink of time
Few more hours have past
And a simple poke
Will only lead
To a thousand more tears
Take a look around
Watch the show
This occurs to her
As much as it does to him
Soon enough you will find your place again
Chorus:
If you ever feel lost
Look for the girl within your lonely heart
And if there is doubt
Sure enough you're not playing the part
And if you begin to say
"I'm the only one who can change this emotion"
Well it's not you, it's her
She's the girl on the ocean
(Repeat)
(talk in the background)
It takes time
To grow your third eye
The vision to see the real world
To prove the inner girl, ocean, happiness....love
Any Suggestions???? Thank You!  |
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StephieJo
ubw newbie
Joined: May 14, 2005
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 7:45 pm |
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ah i forgot my exclamation points and stuffs! lol, well i'll just say it has more of an up-beat sound to it, but not too much of it... So it doesn't sound as depressing as it looks, sorry about that lol, anyways, suggestions? |
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Brooksy
ubw screen dweller
Joined: Oct 08, 2004
Location: The Wastelands
Posts: 1899
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| Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 3:05 am |
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Hi there.
She was the girl on the ocean (It happens to everyone else)
When your mind really thinks
Of what you want
Nothing will Spark
So go back from the Start****Hmm, not over keen on this line try-RETURN TO THE START..
An hour has past
And a simple question
Will only lead****We can never be sure if it WILL lead...try CAN instead
To a thousand more answers****Sorry for nit picking, but in the beat I have bouncing around in my dense skull, this line kinda slips out...drop ANSWERS..and leave it as...A THOUSAND MORE...therefore a simple question will only lead to a thousand more
Just dig down to the soul
Of comic relief***Love this line...tells us to find a little levity instead of getting bogged down with confusion etc.
And let your feet
Guide you across the ocean
The waves will help you find your way back
Chorus:
If you ever feel lost
Look for the girl within your lonely heart****Try...LOOK FOR THE GIRL WITH THE MATCHING HEART
And if there is doubt
Sure enough you're not playing the part
And if you begin to say
"I'm the only one who can change this emotion"
Well it's not you, it's her
She's the girl on the ocean
It's alright it's okay
Let it flow
These simple moments
Happen in a blink of time
Few more hours have past
And a simple poke****Not sure about this one...try finding a more suitable line
Will only lead
To a thousand more tears
Take a look around
Watch the show
This occurs to her
As much as it does to him
Soon enough you will find your place again
Chorus:
If you ever feel lost
Look for the girl within your lonely heart
And if there is doubt
Sure enough you're not playing the part
And if you begin to say
"I'm the only one who can change this emotion"
Well it's not you, it's her
She's the girl on the ocean
(Repeat)
(talk in the background)
It takes time
To grow your third eye
The vision to see the real world
To prove the inner girl, ocean, happiness....love
Well that's just my half a penny. Not much to crit on as it's a perfect emotion. Well done. |
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StephieJo
ubw newbie
Joined: May 14, 2005
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 5:40 pm |
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hey thanx man! But sorry to say some of the suggestions don't really work because i have a melody and it just doesn't really fit with it... but thanx anyway, i'll try to change them though until it'll be just right
Thank you for being honest! |
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MerciPourLeAmore
ubw newbie
Joined: May 19, 2005
Location: Republican shithole , Texas, U.S.
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 8:11 pm |
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Nice rhyming...or at least a lot of the lyrics flow very nicely--sounding like rhymes.
Odd story! but i'm sure there's symbolism in it all (i'm just horrible at interpreting things) keep it up  |
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Brooksy
ubw screen dweller
Joined: Oct 08, 2004
Location: The Wastelands
Posts: 1899
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| Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 12:43 am |
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| StephieJo wrote: | hey thanx man! But sorry to say some of the suggestions don't really work because i have a melody and it just doesn't really fit with it... but thanx anyway, i'll try to change them though until it'll be just right
Thank you for being honest! |
Lol dude. It's a bugger when someone suggests somethin' and it don't fit. No worries after all it's only a thread  |
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