farewell_friends
ubw newbie
Joined: Feb 06, 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
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| Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 10:45 am |
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The Hero
I think its quite pitiful if your going to ask me how
to detect and burn all what you have found
because you are not going anywhere
You know that i swear that this life isnt wha it sounds
im breaking through the border
and im filled up to the top
being alive means living a life and thats not what you want
i no that im not a hero
but you make me feel like the strongest man alive
dont apologize, for you havent sinned
my heart begs a pardon, as it is shocked still of how you broke in
you took what was left of me
and damn, you used it well
my head and heart is still casted upon your wonderful spell
thinking of all the adjectives
that describes the best of you
still wont change anything
or make it come true
ok can i have some helpful feed back plz? |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 2:09 am |
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Unless it's intentionally written the way it is, you should change "what" to "that" in the second line...
In line 6, it might be better to make it "filled to the top", instead of "filled up to the top." I can't say for sure, because I don't know what it's meant to sound like...
I don't see anything else I could give feedback on, and I think it's a good piece of writing. Nice job, and take care. Later! |
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