rocker_gal
ubw newbie
Joined: Mar 03, 2006
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Sun May 21, 2006 1:43 pm |
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Pain in my heart,
Pain in my heart,
My soul is broken,
My heart is lost.
A broken soul,
A deathly wish.
The pain is so hard
I’m falling apart.
Tears in my eyes,
I’m fading fast.
My life will now pass,
Before my eyes.
A life once lived,
Lies wasted in the shadows,
Passers-by stare,
But no help is offered.
Tonight she dies,
Locked in her sorrow,
Nobody knows,
The pain she suffered.
Her sorrow shows,
On her death ridden face,
She shows no peace,
Just a pale, sad face. |
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Aubrii
ubw rookie
Joined: Aug 21, 2005
Posts: 152
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| Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 5:32 am |
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"Her sorrow shows,
On her death ridden face,
She shows no peace,
Just a pale, sad face."
you rhymed "face" with "face" it's the same word. c'mon, i've seen your work, you're very creative and you're a good writer, you can think of something else to rhyme with face other than itself. here i'll try and give you another option
Her sorrow shows,
on her death ridden face
She shows no peace
Just a pale, sad gaze
well i tried, lol. I hope this helped. 
-Aubrii |
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