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allgenre4545
ubw newbie
Joined: May 01, 2006
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 5:06 pm |
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when u walk by the mirror u always take a double glance
u look at me say i dont have a chance
i never knew how important u r
u wud do anythin so long as ur the star
u think ur immortal but ur less than alive
and when ur just a shell with nothin left inside
thers no point in living when ur not living for urself
and ur another toy on societies shelf
you were fun u were crazy you were a little too loud
you used to be mine but now your part of the crowd
babe the places we used to go and the times that we shared
all I want to know now is if you ever really cared
How can i make better lyrics? haha
(feel free to trash on these lyrics) |
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Kinkyfriend85
ubw newbie
Joined: Feb 16, 2005
Location: sweden
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 1:36 pm |
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Well the truth can be harsh, and this song is amateurish all way through. A little change to it:
The Great lie (Let's call it by that, a text needs a name  )
When you walk by the mirror
You are always taking a second look
And, you look at me and say man
you have no chance
And it makes me wondering
That I never knew how important
you are
And you would do anything as long
As you're the star in the big picture
Nothing could change the great lie
You think you are a queen
But I have realized, you are such a
great lie
You are a treat without a surprise
You are only visual
You are a betrayal
To everybody and yourself
You are the society's joke
A little doll on the shelf
You are fun as long as
You are by yourself
And it makes me wondering
That I never knew how important
you are
And you would do anything as long
As you're the star in the big picture
Nothing could change the great lie
You think you are a queen
And I wonder if you cared
Or was I just a word
Another lie for you to tell
I'm not sure whether this is a good change to it, I don't really have much time fixing other peoples work |
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allgenre4545
ubw newbie
Joined: May 01, 2006
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 4:09 pm |
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Thanks for the help
Your version is very different and i like it. I also noticed u got rid of the rhyming....is rhyming bad? |
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Kinkyfriend85
ubw newbie
Joined: Feb 16, 2005
Location: sweden
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 5:39 pm |
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| allgenre4545 wrote: | Thanks for the help
Your version is very different and i like it. I also noticed u got rid of the rhyming....is rhyming bad? |
No rhyming isn't bad, but sometimes to some people it may give a negative view of youself as many new "poets" thinks rhyming is the true way of writing lyrics/poetry.
yea It's different, both for the better and the worse I guess, good you like the change though. If you want to get help from someone like myself, just ring a bell! And I'll help you (Oh and it must kind of feel funny to you since you're probably from an english speaking country and I am not)  |
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allgenre4545
ubw newbie
Joined: May 01, 2006
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Fri May 05, 2006 9:01 pm |
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Thank a lot man...
if u got any other ideas or advice for my lyrics feel free to message me or post on this |
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Kinkyfriend85
ubw newbie
Joined: Feb 16, 2005
Location: sweden
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 7:57 am |
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| allgenre4545 wrote: | Thank a lot man...
if u got any other ideas or advice for my lyrics feel free to message me or post on this |
Ofc, If youd like to add me to your msn, feel free  Then we could speak about lyrics kinkyfriend85@hotmail.com
Also you can check my thread on this forum, and comment it if you like |
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allgenre4545
ubw newbie
Joined: May 01, 2006
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 5:34 pm |
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ya sounds cool man...thanks for the help |
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Aubrii
ubw rookie
Joined: Aug 21, 2005
Posts: 151
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| Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 7:40 am |
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"Kinkyfriend85" -
"Well the truth can be harsh, and this song is amateurish all way through. A little change to it:
The Great lie (Let's call it by that, a text needs a name )
When you walk by the mirror
You are always taking a second look
And, you look at me and say
you have no chance
And it leaves me thinking
That I never knew how important
you were
And you would do anything as long
As you're the star in the big picture
Nothing could change the great lie
You think you are a queen
But I have realized, you are such a
great lie
You are a treat without a surprise
You are only visual
You are a betrayal
To everybody and yourself
You are the society's joke
A little doll on the shelf
You are fun as long as
You are by yourself
And it leaves me thinking
That I never knew how important
you were
And you would do anything as long
As you're the star in the big picture
Nothing could change the great lie
You think you are a queen
And I wonder if you cared
Or was I just a word
Another lie for you to tell
I'm not sure whether this is a good change to it, I don't really have much time fixing other peoples work "
ok i'm gonna take a stab at it. I realized that you kind of confused the tenses. In one stanza you had both past and present tense in the same sentence. You should pick a tense and stick with it in yout thoughts. IT's ok to have a tense change throughout the poem but only if they aren't in the same line and on ly if they make sense
"And it makes me wondering
That I never knew<(past) how important
you are (present)"
The rest of it is good i like it. Good job on your first lyrics and good job at editing for the most part Kinky.
-Aubrii
Don't mean to be rude, jsut trying to help, sorry if i seem offensive. |
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allgenre4545
ubw newbie
Joined: May 01, 2006
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 3:40 pm |
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It definitly sounds better with the correct tenses. Thanks a lot for the help guys, any other critisizises or comments are welcomed |
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