These old streets

ubw rookie Joined: Jun 11, 2005 Posts: 68

These are unfinished, I'll add something to them/do some rewriting soon.

"These Old Streets"

I’m walking down
These old streets
As the sunset fades into black
Past pawn shops
And dive bars
Past the darkened alleys and cardboard shacks

There’s an old man with no teeth asks me for a dime
Holding out his hand caked in grease and grime
Starts mumbling but I can’t hear a word he says
Something about his dreams in his younger days
On these old streets

There’s a mother
With her baby
Pushing a shopping cart filled with trash bags
Her cold legs
Shiver
And her feet are wrapped in torn and tattered rags

Her hair gets in her face as it’s blowing in the wind
She huddles baby with her, her coat is wearing thin
She looks at me painfully with her reddened eyes
No solace here to comfort her as she cries
On these old streets

-Tyler

ubw rookie Joined: Aug 21, 2005 Posts: 152

oo it gave me the shivers. I like it. great imagry, and great work. i liked this line especially for some reason, i donno why, "Holding out his hand caked in grease and grime "

ubw newbie Joined: Mar 20, 2006 Location: Ct Posts: 12

This is an ok piece, a little too much ryhming for it to be realy good in my opinion, but its your song to do with what you like, but i liked how u ended it on an off rhyme every verse.

ubw newbie Joined: Apr 01, 2006 Posts: 14

i agree with guitarhead! Smile

ubw rookie Joined: Jun 11, 2005 Posts: 68

Not sure what you mean by "too much rhyming..."

Could you explain?

Thanks,
Tyler

ubw rookie Joined: Aug 21, 2005 Posts: 152

personally, i like the rhyming, it sort of pulls it all together

ubw newbie Joined: Mar 20, 2006 Location: Ct Posts: 12

The rhyming is ok, but it in my opinion makes the song look kinda "Cheap", like were you end one line with dime then the next with grime, I totaly knew that you were abou to say something like that, do to your song scheme, Thats why i liked how you ended your verses with an off rhymed line, it made it sound better, if u don't get what i mean there tell me -keep writing

ubw newbie Joined: Apr 01, 2006 Posts: 14

well generally if a song ryhmes then it soudna bit childish, but it depends how it sounds as in if the ryhme isn't obvious in song but in context it is then that's fine Smile

These old streets

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