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Bullet41
ubw rookie
Joined: May 22, 2005
Location: Bracknell
Posts: 120
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| Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 2:31 pm |
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I'm running and every last breath,
kept me one step closer to death.
Writing letters " Plese save me!
I never meant to in slave thee. "
( Help me )
If i bleed you a river,
would you swimm me home?
I tried to fly away with life,
to try to find the missing key inside.
crawling my way over,
" At least i would be left sober "
If i bleed you a river,
would you swimm me home?
And when your motionless heart crossed mine it made me realize,
i'm lucky to be still alive.
This story was nothing more than burning pages.
If i bleed you a river,
would you swimm me home?
I'm running and every last breath,
kept me one step closer to life. |
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Optikal_Delusion
ubw rookie
Joined: Aug 22, 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 73
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| Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 5:03 pm |
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I voted "Good".
I loved the line:
| Quote: | If I bled you a river,
Would you swim me home |
That was just hilarious in a dark and morbid way.
I really loved that line.
The rest of the song has ...potential.
Needs work but it could be turned into something.
Most songs that sound great in song often aren't very inspiring on paper, so get some recordings up and we'll see how these lyrics really sound  |
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Will
ubw rookie
Joined: Dec 08, 2005
Location: Half a mile from Rehab, one mile from home
Posts: 119
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| Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 12:42 pm |
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I'm running and every last breath,
kept me one step closer to death.
Writing letters " Plese save me!
I never meant to in slave thee. "
( Help me )
If i bleed you a river,
would you swimm me home?
I tried to fly away with life,
to try to find the missing key inside.
crawling my way over,
" At least i would be left sober ....not to sure about this line. You're not saying sober from what exactly. Sounds like you needed a rhyme, because it seems forced. Look at the line before and see if you can use something better.
If i bleed you a river,
would you swimm me home?
And when your motionless heart crossed mine it made me realize,
i'm lucky to be still alive.
This story was nothing more than burning pages.
If i bleed you a river,
would you swimm me home?
I'm running and every last breath,
kept me one step closer to life.[/B]
Apart from that, it's well written and some good visual stuff for the ears to grab. |
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