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over-drive
ubw newbie
Joined: May 22, 2005
Location: Rotherham
Posts: 30
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| Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 3:54 pm |
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this is now my 8th song and im rather pleased with it so can u tell me what u think
Love destroyed my soul
Cupids arrow struck me in the heart
But not for long enough
i will love you no more !!!!!
you tore the arrow head out
as if it was just a game
you never looked back but i
i wil play the moment i lost u
in my mind over and over
The day i met u was the day !!!!!
Love destroyed my soul inside
Forever i will try to hide
Love destroyed my soul inside
Forever i will try to hide
My heart now laying on the floor
No!! We cant just me friends anymore
Now in the night you wake up screeming
with nothing left to hold on to
You walk up 2 me just seeming
to try to get me back so
i tell you " i never want to see you again"
i have no love left for you
im not sorry and i feel no pain
Emotionless you havnt a clue
The day i met u was the day !!!!!
Love destroyed my soul inside
Forever i will try to hide
Love destroyed my soul inside
Forever i will try to hide
My heart now laying on the floor
No!! We cant just me friends anymore
So what do u think. Much appreciated |
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Bullet41
ubw rookie
Joined: May 22, 2005
Location: Bracknell
Posts: 120
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| Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 4:03 pm |
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Nice song dude very well written. really good.
Cheack some of mine out.
UBW/Omgawwz so hawt/I Lied/Suicidal Note.
and
Jake and Billie, in Review lyrics section. |
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over-drive
ubw newbie
Joined: May 22, 2005
Location: Rotherham
Posts: 30
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| Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 5:49 am |
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Thanks bullet,u have looked at one of your songs, oh and on the last line on the chorus is should say "No !! we cant just be friends anymore" not we can't just me friends.
Alex |
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bob-jowl
ubw newbie
Joined: Nov 28, 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 12:30 pm |
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Nicely worded could be improved but over all good
I enjoyed it nice work |
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over-drive
ubw newbie
Joined: May 22, 2005
Location: Rotherham
Posts: 30
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| Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 1:33 pm |
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i forgot who said it earlyer but yeah that is a class name, alright i got one for you, its funny at when u find out the meaning "alf on a vigitin " where does this song need improvin
Alex |
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Will
ubw rookie
Joined: Dec 08, 2005
Location: Half a mile from Rehab, one mile from home
Posts: 119
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| Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 1:54 am |
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Hi there over-drive. First off, like the the lyrics although I do have a couple of nits to pick at.
First off the first verse has a different rhyming scheme to the rest, well has no rhyme at all while the rest do. It's not a great problem as breaking the so called "Rules" of songwriting has got people from Bob Dylan to Tom Petty into super stardom. But changing rhyming schemes like that can, and will, unsettle the listener a little.
I wouldn't ask you to change the first verse because I think it's a great hook into the song, but when it comes to making it a musical path see if you can have it as a spoken intro as a few artists deem a "Must Have" these days, or:
Cupids arrow struck me in the heart
But not for long enough
i will love you no more !!!!!
you tore the arrow head out
playin' mean and rough.....just to get into the rhyming scheme
you never looked back but .......here I would pause the track
{spoken}i wil play the moment i lost u
in my mind over and over
Just my little opinion. Good luck |
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over-drive
ubw newbie
Joined: May 22, 2005
Location: Rotherham
Posts: 30
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| Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 2:36 pm |
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Thanks will what you said realy fits in with the music aswell, Constructive critasizm great 
I will have a look at one of your songs now speek soon
Alex |
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