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artificialsweetener
ubw newbie
Joined: Aug 05, 2005
Location: indiana
Posts: 40
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| Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:05 pm |
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its been awhile...but i'm back...what do you guys think?
i'm sorry, but i wont be coming home tonight
its just not enough, me lost in your deep brown eyes
while you're lost in your own mind
you make it so hard to be loyal
when i need so much more
you make it so hard for me to live with myself
cuz i'm feeling like a whore
but there's nothing fulfulling
i'm so incomplete
you're doing, feeling, thinking nothing
while i can barely breathe
i'm not a part of your blurred broken dreams
you're not what i need
understanding, forgiveness, compassion
through forgotten vows and second, third, fourth chances
its all just weakness
and i cant keep this going
this disillusionment just keep growing
while your lying on the floor close to overdose
1000 miles in your mind from the one you need the most
i guess you've got your priorities right where you want them... |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 11:28 pm |
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Damn... This is very good. It's kind of like the last line just sort of hits you in the chest when you read it. -At least it did for me, anyway. Great job, and welcome back! Later! |
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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 11:30 pm |
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hey welcome back, its been awhile.
| Quote: | this disillusionment just keep growing
while your lying on the floor close to overdose
1000 miles in your mind from the one you need the most |
i love that, its very good. overall its all good, so goodjob.
you better post more soon. |
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sixtysecondminute
ubw rookie
Joined: May 27, 2005
Location: Solihull, UK
Posts: 186
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| Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 3:41 pm |
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Not to sound harsh... but I don't like the first 2 stanzas too much. I do however love the last one, and the last line. It has a real smooth flow to it... and as Rick says, the last line is just so hard hitting. Excellent work. Look forward to reading more from you. |
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