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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 12:15 am |
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Dry tears stained on her face
As she finishes off another bottle of Xenical
Keeping warm next to his pictures
Burning in the fire place
Is this what its like to mourn?
Maybe when the lights go out
Maybe when the moon is full
He’ll come threw the door
Make his way up the stairs
Stand by the bed
And watch her sleep
He leaves a note by her head
On the pillow case
Once marked his
As he whispers in to her ear
That he can’t stay
But she’s the only one
She’s so perfect as she sleeps
And he watches her life pass
And she won’t wake up
He was too late to save her that night
Because the only way to mourn
Is to be mourned |
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Optikal_Delusion
ubw rookie
Joined: Aug 22, 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 73
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 4:12 pm |
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It's quite good.
I'm both a bit anxious that it is a little too vague as well as loving the fact that I only realized what had happened when I read the last line, so I think that works.
My only real point of criticizm would be | Quote: | | As she finishes off another bottle of Xenical |
I don't know what Xenical is. It might be quite a common drug or whatever it is where you are from, but not for me and there are probably others who don't know what it is either. My point is that specifics about items of personal or local significance will more often than not be wasted on people like me who don't know what it is and if the point of your song is suspended on this significant item then you risk having your entire song misinterpretted. Fortunately this is not the case here.
It's an excellent and poignant narrative and I really like it. |
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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:19 pm |
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xenical is a weight loss pill. when i started writing i was going in the direction of her trying to be perfect but kinda strayed away from that and just decided to leave that part in. but i relize not many people would have got that part anyway. but i dont write for people i write for myself and personally i think thats important in writing. alot of my songs have meanings only ill get.
but anyway thanks for the comment i appreciate it greatly man. |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 7:00 pm |
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Chase..., this is great. I think I enjoy this piece the most out of anything I've read by you. It held my interest, and it's just put together very nicely. Well done, my friend. Later! |
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