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gddgb
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 10:24 pm |
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Hey guys, this is my first post, so I'm trying to start off strong and post one of my favorite songs that I wrote. Please give me feedback, this is the first time I've ever shared my lyrics.
Live Without a Sound
Life is for the living yet we're born to die
want it to be our own but we live through other's eyes
no one's here to stop you yet they always bring you down
cause death is for the silent so live without a sound
so I push
I push right back
even if the idea of standing up
is so taboo to you
and I pull
try to pull you close
but atrophy has taken hold
and now my heart gives out
the neverending scream of life
you always get what you want
but you never ask for more, never ask for more
just what you need
but thats too much
for the likes of you
I'm not here to help you, but you coax me into love
conveyer belt pulling, when push turns into shove
shoving me down into a jacket in a cell cause I
try not to mutilate you, but it happens to myself
so I push
I push right back
even if the idea of standing up
is so taboo to you
and I pull
try to pull you close
but atrophy has taken hold
and now my heart gives out
the neverending stabbing pain
plunge the needle through my veins
give me the vaccine, give me the vaccine
cause thats what you need
but it's too much
for the likes of you
just give me the shot
cause thats what I need
from the likes of you
just pile it up, pile it up
till you can't see how high
just add it all up, add it up
till it makes you cry
just pile it up, pile it up
till it brings you down
cause death is for the silent
so live without a sound
Life is for the living yet we're born to die
want it to be our own but we live through other's eyes
no one's here to stop you yet they always bring you down
cause death is for the silent so live without a sound
Life is for the living yet we're born to die
want it to be our own but we live through other's eyes
no one's here to stop you yet they always bring you down
cause death is for the silent so live without a sound
If anyone wants to check out all the songs I've written, feel free. Just click on my website. I really want to get as much feedback as I possibly can to improve my lyrics further. Thanks guys. |
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Optikal_Delusion
ubw rookie
Joined: Aug 22, 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 73
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 11:29 pm |
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I thought this was brilliant! Both introspective and extrospective (?) at the same time. I try to write like that; talking about how I feel and what's going on in the world.
The only suggestion I can think of would be to count your syllables; the more syllables in a line, the longer and more complex the beat of the song is going to have to be to fit around them, so basically if you can say what you mean in less than 10 words, that's a good thing or use metaphors and/or imagery. But it also depends on the kind of beat or music you are singing to.
Really good so far, but just needs a bit of work to fit into a song, In My Opinion. |
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gddgb
Guest
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| Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 10:50 pm |
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I think it's just the way that it looks that makes it look too long. Each line is 8 beats, but if I cut each line in half, the lyrics would go on for like an extra page. So if that the only criticism, then sweet, cause that problem is already solved. Thanks for the review, though. |
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