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SYS
ubw newbie
Joined: Aug 24, 2005
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 2:28 pm |
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Well this is my first time ever really writing something so please help me out and give some comments. It ryhmes a little to much for me but Heck lets just hear what you think.
ORDEAL
Its Alive
Running Again
throughout my whole body it sprinkles me with sin
changing everything
I retstarted to begin
I am nervous within and barely get a night of rest.
Its to hard to sleep
when I cant stop the feeling from the otherside of me
Its taking over me
Its taking over me
I will give myself
one more chance
to fight this battle
against the otherside of me
Its taking over me
Its taking over me
So I lie down
Fighting every corner of my body
(the real war is yet to begin)
I flicker to see
a getaway place in my mind
but my body hesitates
sending me a sign
which shows me
this battle is here
this battle is real
this battle is winless to date
Its taking over me
Its taking over me
I will give myself
one more chance
to fight this battle
against the otherside of me
Its taking over me
Its taking over me
As the night falls
Every sensative piece carefully falls
(collapsing momentusely into a new whole
creating a new puzzle)
My retreat is seemingly
coming near
If I can only find a way
to open my eyes
So this dream will become past
(Get sent to the unreal)
Its taking over me
Its taking over me
I will give myself
one more chance
to fight this battle
against the other side of me
Its taking over me
Its taking over me |
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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 2:53 pm |
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this is good i like it. cant specificaly tell you what i like about it, it just had a good and kept me interested. i have a short attention span so for me to be able to read all of something is a really good thing, anyway post more and keep it up.
oh an dit may rhyme a bit but i didnt mind that at all, usually it bugs me but i think you actually did it right. |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 11:26 pm |
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I know what I liked about it- the simple fact that it was interesting. You did a great job on it, and you should keep writing, and post some more for all of us. hereafter's right... The rhyming is fine. It just kind of seems natural, when read. -At least that's how I feel about it. I think you have a great style, and I wouldn't change too much about it, if I were you. Just keep trying to advance your ability, and I think that is all you should attempt to do with your writing.
Also, welcome to the UBW! I look forward to more posts from you.  Later, SYS! |
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SYS
ubw newbie
Joined: Aug 24, 2005
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 11:10 am |
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Thanks guys I do got a song or two but I dont think there really ready yet but by Sunday I should have a good one or two. |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 11:23 pm |
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Welcome. I'll be lookin' forward to reading it. Later! |
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