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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 10:56 pm |
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*EDIT*
the updated version is down more |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 11:05 pm |
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Hello again. This is very interesting, and I like it a lot. But just to try to help a little, the last two parts of this look just a little shaky to me. With some minor adjustments, I think this could be even better, though it is already very nice. Later! |
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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 11:10 pm |
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yea your right the last two parts are a little shaky. i really just had the idea for the 1st two vereses and there the only ones i really like, the other two are just fiillers but im too tired to think of somehting. but tommorows a fresh day.
ive been trying to get alot down latley but im losing it, i cant get any decent words out anymore. |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 11:24 pm |
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Hey. That's exactly right: "Tommorow's a fresh day." You'll be able to improve upon this then, and I think that you should make an edit to this post, when you come up with the end result. But don't rush. Taking time always makes writing a lot better.
-And about you having a little trouble writing, right now. You likely already know that creativity comes in phases. I always use the times that I can't seem to write, to let my mind relax, and just wait for the next "wave" of that to start up again. Don't forget: Post the changes you come up with for this.  Later! |
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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:20 am |
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*EDIT*
"crucified valentines"
Im living in these torn up valentines
that make up the floor
which we use to lay
and Im living on these
bitter sweet hearts that you feed to me
i sleep with my heart under my pillow
a 42 magnum in my chest
the only thing that protects me from you
as you chain cupid to your fence
you erect another crucifix
as the sound of fallen wings
fills my head
but tonight im dressed my best
as you wear my heart around your neck
to cover the marks that he left
i'll write how much i love you
on paper napkins and leave it
in the restraunt where we 1st met
i try to forget the way
you made me feel
but i lose my breathe
and im left with the sound
of you falling
I wave goodbye for the last time
with these trembling hands
and this last kiss is more
then i deserve
and with every smile that we fake
an angel loses its wings |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:25 am |
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Nicely Done. Later! |
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guitarist
ubw active poster
Joined: Aug 20, 2005
Location: Sydney, Aus
Posts: 233
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| Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 5:26 am |
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| RiCterMan wrote: | | Hey. That's exactly right: "Tommorow's a fresh day." |
sweet name for a song dont you think ?? |
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