unnamed at the moment

Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 9:04 pm

this is the 1st song iv written could someone plz give me advice on what to change ??

"tell me is that really you
cuz i dont recognize u anymore
tell me what have you done to becom so F****** dumb
cuz i dont know you...
anymore

cuz i dont know
and i dont care
about you anymore
anymore

you used to be different
you used to be special
bu no longer...
not no more

all you do is argue
and all you do is bring me down
but not no more
NOT NO MORE

(guitar solo)

any help would be greatly appreiated thanks a bunch

ubw rookie Joined: Jun 28, 2005 Posts: 133

i actually like this, it has a lot of potential. its kind of empty right now though, add some meat to it and bulk it up then throw in some fancy words and you got your self a sweet ass song. what genre is this anyway. im not sure what id change or add buit im gonna look over it then tel you.

but keep writing youve got potential.

Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 11:12 pm

thanks for the help man
well its not really got a style yet weve recently started a band about 3 months ago and we can play almost every Blink 182 song but this is the 1st thing iv writen

Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 10:27 pm

For your first piece of lyrics, this is very good writing. There's only one line that I feel would look much better if you changed it a little: "Tell me what you've done to become so f****** dumb." You are the writer, so it's your choice. But if I were the one who wrote this, I'd likely change the wording of it after "Tell me what you've done-" If you do decide to do that, either keep the meaning the same, and just reinvent it, or change the meaning to suit your liking, even more. Either way, I'd keep the "um" sound (in the word, "dumb") there, and honestly, I'm not sure why. It just seems like it would fit, to keep a word that sounds like that, in that place.

Other than that, hereafter gave you the right advice. Like he said, use some different (fancier) words here and there, and use more imagery. Trust me, though... It seems you will become a very great lyricist someday (or far improved), as long as you keep working at it. You're already on the way with this first song. Nice job with this. Later!

Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:28 am

thanks for all the positive feedback

ubw newbie Joined: Aug 22, 2005 Posts: 1

if you would add more to this song it would be very good, but overall i liked it keep it up !

ubw rookie Joined: Jun 28, 2005 Posts: 133

ok i really liked your idea here so i rewrote it alittle. i left your basic idea but i added some meat to it so to speak. this is just a suggestion and if you like it then you can do what ever you want with it, if you dont then just ignore everything, its just a suggestion. anyway here it is:

tell me
tell me is that really you
because i dont recognize u anymore
tell me
tell me what have you done
because i dont no you...
anymore

because i dont no you
your eyes lost focus
and I cant care about you...
anymore

you used to be different
we used to be sepcial
we were so f**king special
but we lost everything
and its gone

your voice fills my head
and the weight of everything
is bringing us down
i hold my head high
but im going down

Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:01 pm

ermmm sorry dude, but I think I liked the original better!

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 5:18 am

now now no need for criticism.. now its actually got a style and a genre my 1st version could use cleaning up... i guess it was good foundation but it had no rythem or style... i like the last verse

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