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Bullet41
ubw rookie
Joined: May 22, 2005
Location: Bracknell
Posts: 120
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 1:54 pm |
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You should have never came
"You should have never came"
this are the words growling out from my brain
"PLEASE TELL ME AM NOT INSANE"
get me the f**k out of this nightmare
tear out my brain
and burn it
"ontill there is nothing left but the ashes"
How could this happen to me
i always tried to prevent it from ever happening
times like these all you could is sit there and sing
and burie yourself alive and hope the maggets eat you dry
and hope you get reincanated to an better person
tear out my brain
and burn it
"ontill there is nothing left but the ashes"
you should have never came
you should have never came
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME |
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sixtysecondminute
ubw rookie
Joined: May 27, 2005
Location: Solihull, UK
Posts: 186
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 2:55 pm |
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Feel free to tell me to f**k off... but I think you have somthing decent here if you make a few minor alterations. Take it or leave it I guess... but I do think this song has some potential either way 
You should never have came,
You should never have came,
These are the words drowning my brain,
PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT INSANE
Get me the f**k out of this nightmare,
tear out my brain ,
and burn it at the stake,
Untill there's nothing left but the ashes,
I'll take them to the grave
rip off my skin,
release what's trapped within,
(empty bar)
I'll take you to the grave
How could this happen to me
i always tried to keep it all inside,
times like these all you can do is sit and sing,
Bury yourself alive and hope the seasons suck you dry
and hope that what waits after is a different story,
tear out my brain ,
and burn it at the stake,
Untill there's nothing left but the ashes,
I'll take them to the grave
rip off my skin,
release what's trapped within,
(empty bar)
I'll take you to the grave
You should never have came,
You should never have came,
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
So yeah. I don't usually take feedback like this unless I feel it's an improvement on the original. I guess it's upto you. Either way I do think your lyric writing is improving and seems to be going in the same direction (sometimes I would feel a little like your songs were all over the place). Nice work anyway. Hope you can keep improving.
Tom |
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Bullet41
ubw rookie
Joined: May 22, 2005
Location: Bracknell
Posts: 120
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 3:03 pm |
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| theblacks wrote: | Feel free to tell me to pickles off... but I think you have somthing decent here if you make a few minor alterations. Take it or leave it I guess... but I do think this song has some potential either way
You should never have came,
You should never have came,
These are the words drowning my brain,
PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT INSANE
Get me the pickles out of this nightmare,
tear out my brain ,
and burn it at the stake,
Untill there's nothing left but the ashes,
I'll take them to the grave
rip off my skin,
release what's trapped within,
(empty bar)
I'll take you to the grave
How could this happen to me
i always tried to keep it all inside,
times like these all you can do is sit and sing,
Bury yourself alive and hope the seasons suck you dry
and hope that what waits after is a different story,
tear out my brain ,
and burn it at the stake,
Untill there's nothing left but the ashes,
I'll take them to the grave
rip off my skin,
release what's trapped within,
(empty bar)
I'll take you to the grave
You should never have came,
You should never have came,
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
So yeah. I don't usually take feedback like this unless I feel it's an improvement on the original. I guess it's upto you. Either way I do think your lyric writing is improving and seems to be going in the same direction (sometimes I would feel a little like your songs were all over the place). Nice work anyway. Hope you can keep improving.
Tom |
f**k OFF.
just joking thanks you improved it alot.thanks nice.
but i found away to improve it abit.
You should never have came,
You should never have came,
These are the words drowning my brain,
PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT INSANE
Get me the f**k out of this nightmare,
tear out my brain ,
and burn it down, to the flame,
Untill there's nothing left but the ashes,
I'll take them to the grave
rip off my skin,
release what's trapped within,
(empty bar)
I'll take you to the grave
and make you watch me BURY MYSELF
How could this happen to me
i always tried to keep it all inside,
times like these all you can do is sit and sing,
Bury yourself alive and hope the seasons suck you dry
and hope the maggets eat me alive,
tear out my brain ,
and burn it to the flame,
Untill there's nothing left but the ashes,
I'll take them to the grave
rip off my skin,
release what's trapped within,
(empty bar)
I'll take you to the grave
and make you watch me BURY MYSELF
You should never have came,
You should never have came,
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
all you can do is sit and sing |
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sixtysecondminute
ubw rookie
Joined: May 27, 2005
Location: Solihull, UK
Posts: 186
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 3:11 pm |
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| Bullet41 wrote: | | just joking thanks you improved it alot.thanks nice. |
weather you use them is upto you I guess.
If you stick to the original I think maybe you need to either extend or repeat the chorus to make emphasis on it, and make the song longer than a few minutes (although of course... there's not that much wrong with short songs).
tom |
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