sixtysecondminute
ubw rookie
Joined: May 27, 2005
Location: Solihull, UK
Posts: 186
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 10:00 am |
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Needs a little work maybe... but what y'all think? All feedback is much appreciated.
He looked into her eyes that sunny day,
Opened his mouth with somthing to say,
He offered her the world and more,
She said take that gift back to the store,
Said I can't take this anymore,
And walked,
Right out the door out of his life,
His heart was the receipt,
And it lay broke under her feet,
And it's times like these,
Where thinking's painfull,
A price so dear,
But it's all been paid for,
By the tears that he shed,
And the times he wished her dead,
Inside his pain,
Inside his head,
He walked his tired legs upto her door,
And banged untill his kncukles were raw,
He offered her a second chance,
She turned him down with just a glance,
Said I want this from someone else,
And you being there has always helped,
But,
I don't know why you're still here,
And it's times like these,
Where thinking's painfull,
A price so dear,
But it's all been paid for,
By the tears that he shed,
And the times he wished her dead,
Inside his pain,
Inside his head,
He don't want to be alone no more,
He don't want to be alone no more,
And He's alone with anyone but her,
And it's times like these,
Where thinking's painfull,
A price so dear,
But it's all been paid for,
By the tears that he shed,
And the voices in his head,
Telling him to try,
Telling him this couldn't be more right, |
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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 11:45 am |
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yo dude this is great. i love the way its told in a narrative story like way. this line here stuck out to me
"His heart was the receipt,
And it lay broke under her feet,"
the whole thing is amazing thow, keep up the good work |
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sixtysecondminute
ubw rookie
Joined: May 27, 2005
Location: Solihull, UK
Posts: 186
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 2:41 pm |
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Thankyou both.
Herafter; I thought it would be cool to try out somthing new with the whole narative boy - girl sort of things. I like the way it turned out realy.
Bullet; Thanks for not being an asshole. I appreciate the feedback. I guess we'll do a little experimenting with our styl once we get our recording equipment (2 weeks max now I think). You have to take into account that what we have recorded was recorded with the mic on a computer headset. To be honest I realy can't stand 'screamo' music. It makes my ears hurt. I honestly think screaming can ruin a good song. For me, anyway. Once we are able to record drums and bass aswell as guitar and vocals I am hoping we will get a heavier sound. Not alot heavier... but it wont sound like a guy and an acoustic guitar (apart from the few tracks which will be just that). I guess only time will tell the direction which our music takes. I just hope we can improve as an ensemble and blend all 4 parts together into somthing decent sounding.
Thanks both... anymore feedback is greatly appreciated (*cough* rick*cough*  )
Laters,
Tom |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 6:45 am |
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 I will gladly reply to these lyrics. I just got back yesterday from a 3 day trip to visit friends, so I haven't been posting much.
I think you did a great job, but that's what always seems to happen with you when you write. It has a good flow when I read it, even though I have seen better from you. That isn't supposed to downplay the fact that this is a very artistic piece of lyricism. It's very cool. Keep writing, and playing the music. Later! |
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