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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 10:03 am |
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"Chronicles of a broken heart"
They wont play our song anymore
And all I can play is this ballad for a broken heart
A sonnet for the lost
And I'll leave it on your answering machine
The only thing that will talk to me
-chorus-
With this knife I'll carve your name
Into my heart
And pray that we never come apart
But your words are starting to sever
When you said we would last forever
I sleep with my heart under my pillow
A 42. magnum in my chest
As I lay awake and read
The letters marked return to sender
I'll keep them as a reminder
These chronicles of a broken heart
You'll read about me
On the front page
They'll say a bullet got in my way
The hole time I was thinking about you
Keep these close
These chronicles of a broken heart |
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En-En
ubw rookie
Joined: Apr 30, 2005
Posts: 81
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| Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 11:11 am |
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realy man if it's rap ya got som rims but it's realy ain't enaf
if it's rock or kinda wat i ain't now shit abot it's aait coz da min idia is aait
i mean al wat dis jam talkin abot is prity spesel i mean ya got kinda spesel words
i mean as i got it it ain't rap but it's stil like getin in my had dat not a lot of rock shit or kinda getin in my had...
i tink my had's empty for sav it phhhh
it's aait man it's aait
PIS
INDEFINITE |
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Cerebellus
ubw newbie
Joined: Aug 04, 2005
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 3:52 am |
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I'm afraid I found the song a bit melodramatic, but this definitely stood out as the best lyric: "I sleep with my heart under my pillow
A .42 magnum in my chest "
Clever. |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 7:29 am |
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-Very Nice job! I've seen better by you (not too much), but it was still really cool to read. The first verse does seem slightly shaky, still, I see what you were doing with what you wrote.
Also, I don't know if you saw my PM, but if you didn't, I sent you one. I just thought I'd inform ya', cause' sometimes I don't see my private messages for a day or so, and I doubt I'm the only one who does that. Cheers, hereafter!
RiCterMan |
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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 8:28 am |
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thanks guys. the first verse does suck greatly but I couldnt think of anything else. Imgoing through major writers bloc. but im working on it so ill update this when i get somehting better |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 6:31 am |
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Hey man... Don't be so harsh on yourself.  I said it looked slightly shaky. I feel it only needs some minor adjusments with some of the way things are worded in that verse.
I've never really written enough (lyrics) to be able to say for sure that I've experienced writer's block. If so, I haven't noticed it in these 3-5 years I've been writing songs. I have had writer's block writing other things, though. -Essays, poetry, short stories... I'm nervous about that. I'm not writing as much as I was during most of the past 3 months, but I still write quite a bit, and if I got a block, that would frustrate the hell out of me, possibly more than before. I don't do good with frustration... Anyway, good luck finding the inspirational breakthrough, man. Cheers!
RiCterMan |
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artificialsweetener
ubw newbie
Joined: Aug 05, 2005
Location: indiana
Posts: 40
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| Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 3:58 pm |
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just wanted to say that i really like this song...this is my first day on this site and from what i've seen, your stuff is definitely some of my favorite so far...keep it up...and yeah i agree that that line "I sleep with my heart under my pillow, A 42. magnum in my chest" is just awesome. |
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