Prisoner

ubw newbie Joined: Jul 05, 2005 Posts: 4

Please give me any feedback cheers xxx

[U]Prisoner[/U]

[U]Verse 1[/U]
I'm lying here thinking about all the pain you've caused me,
Looking at every single blank wall,to somehow amuse me,
I'm going crazy laid here,it's like where they go crazy here.
Might as well be in an institution,'cos the insanity's taking over me,
And the control i have for anything around me,

[U]Chorus[/U]
How can you feel like a prisoner in your own home ?
How do you expect me to respect you when you
have no respect for me at all?
And why can't you accept that i'm an individual,
And i can do what the hell i wanna do.

[U]Verse 2[/U]
And how on earth am i meant to be able to mature ?
When you won't even let me out of the front or back door,
What am i supposed to do to get it through to you,
That i ain't the same as any one of you,
I have my own damn mind and yeah i'm gonna use it,
I don't need no-one else to interfere with my life and abuse it.
How do you think i put this pen to paper and wrote this by myself ?
It's because i was on my own,don't need nobody else.
But sometimes a girl's gotta go out there and learn what life's about,
But how the hell am i gonna do that if i can't even leave the house.
Somebody tell me.

Chorusx2

And i really don't mean any disrespect by this at all,
'Cos i know that all the pain ypu've caused me..
Doesn't amount to all the love you've given me
And if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here right now,
Doin' what i love so much,It's how i let my feelings out.
I love you so much words can't explain,
And i wanna let you know that all the pain
You caused me, and even more that i caused you,I'm sorry for,'cos i
admit it probably was my fault but i don't care 'bout none of this,
all i know is the two people that raised me,
criticised,but loved and praised me,
I love them more than ever
And i want to make sure you both know this forever.

Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 4:12 pm

I like it. A few things.

Verse 2 is longer than verse 1. I've never came across this. I'm not sure how it would/will work. Perhaps you could extend verse 1, or shorten verse 2 if it doesn't sound good when you get a recording of it.

Throughout, you tend to rhyme words that are the same words. If you know what I mean. For example... you rhyme me 4 times in the first verse. perhaps if you're going to rhyme, you could try adding some variation into the rhyming words... or just remove them so there is no rhyme. Rhymes arn't essential in a good song. Try rearangin or rephrazing lines to avoid it.

I'm not suggesting you have to do this... but here is an example (yes, my opinion.. maybe you will see differently; if so diregard) of how you could make it better with a tiny amount of effort:

I'm lying here thinking,
about all the pain you've caused me,
Amuse myself by looking at the empty walls,
I'm going crazy lying here,
it's like you're poisioning my brain,
Might as well drive me away,
'cos living here is driving me insane,

Just a thought...

Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 12:41 am

I'd just like to add two things. But, keep in mind, this is just constructive criticism, and it's only meant to give helpful advice.

1) I'm not sure if this may have been a typing mistake, but in verse 1, there's a line that I think would look better if changed. It's your song, so I won't give you a possible alternative idea to add in. I know that when someone writes a song, it's usually personal to them. If someone said to me, "here, use this instead", while evaluating a song I wrote, I wouldn't flip out or anything, but I wouldn't use somebody elses idea in a song that's personal to me. Call it dumb, but I'd feel like it wasn't completely from my heart, if even one line wasn't created by me. Plus, I like the challenge of minor revisions. Wow... I veered off quite a bit. What I was talking about before, pertained to the line "I'm going crazy laid here where they go crazy here." I'd change either of the two parts in this line to a different phrase, because though the meaning gets through, you use the words, "crazy" and "here" two times each, in one line, and it looks just slightly unorganized. I did almost the same thing about a month ago, and someone else caught it, and after I was informed, I sat down and changed it.

2)I'd lessen the "turning words" a little bit, because some readers might find it difficult to read. What I mean by saying "turning words" is at the beginning of a sentence something is said that leads to something else at the beginning of the second half of the sentence, which turns what you're saying in a new direction. An example of this is at the beginning of verse 2: the part that goes, "How am I meant to...." goes right into "when you won't even...."

That's all I'll say, as far as advice goes. I will tell you though, I still do certain things when I'm writing lyrics, that when I go back and read it, I'm like, "I've gotta change that. It's not right, and it could be better with this instead..." So, if I offended you in any way, don't be upset. I'm just doing what I hope people will do whenever they read my songs posted in this forum. I'm all into giving and recieving feedback. It's song/poetry writers helping other writers to improve, and I think that is a very good way to progress anyone's skill. So, keep posting the lyrics, because you've got talent, and it's great to read words from you, and everyone who posts their works in this forum.

I'm done until I read the next thread that I wander to. Cheers, you!

RiCterMan

Prisoner

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