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burger
ubw newbie
Joined: Jul 05, 2005
Location: Norwich, UK
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 2:19 pm |
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VOICES
Its summer time
Sun rays beaming
I feel fine
But then I hear
That voice I cannot help but fear
Shivers rushing down my spine
Hearts kicked into overdrive
When will you ever go away
Sometimes I lie in bed and pray
I wish you would disappear
Leave my head and make it clear
Black clouds fill the once blue sky
How can I help myself but cry
Close the door on your way out
I wish the words I cannot shout
Runaway, I try and hide
But you’re always there
A presence in my mind
The moon is out
The voice is blocked
Now all I fear is tomorrow |
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acmack2005
ubw newbie
Joined: Jul 05, 2005
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 3:27 pm |
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hey i like your lyrics they're really good been taking a look at your other stuff too i think they show ur creative with ur lyrics which is good and youve thought about them  ac xxx |
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sixtysecondminute
ubw rookie
Joined: May 27, 2005
Location: Solihull, UK
Posts: 186
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| Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 4:22 pm |
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I'm sorry, I don't like the rhyme scheme. |
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hereafter
ubw rookie
Joined: Jun 28, 2005
Posts: 133
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| Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:51 pm |
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yeah i have to agree with blacks, im not one for the hole rhyme every other line thing. its ok to have some lines rhyme to help the flow |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 10:55 pm |
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I agree, as well. When I write, I always try to make the rhyme flow well, but at the same time I try to add some complexity to it. Just like with instruments, complexity can make a person's words much more attractive to the eye. I guess if you were to compare it more to using an instrument, you could say that if this song were a guitar riff, it might switch back and forth between two notes.
However, know that I'm just giving you criticisms, and my intentions are not aimed at bashing your writing. If you looked at song lyrics I wrote say two and a half to three years ago, you'd see that I wrote the words down, and didn't put nearly enough thought into it as I should have. I don't write my lyrics by sitting down, and thinking intensely about what I'm writing, but to some degree, I really needed to think more about it, back then.
I did like the theme of your words, man. -That weather vibe. I actually used that a lot within the past few months, but lessened that a lot when I noticed that many of my songs said something about the sun, or rain, etc., and it started to get to be too much.
Lastly, I'm curious about something... How long have you been writing? I just talked about my earlier lyrical works, and like I said, they sucked. So, if you're still developing your writing ability, there will most likely be improvement if you keep at it. Even with more mature writers, there's always room for improvement. In any case, this song isn't the worst possible song; it just needs some alterations. Good job, and Cheers!
(Hmm... this thread gives me an idea...)
RiCterMan |
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burger
ubw newbie
Joined: Jul 05, 2005
Location: Norwich, UK
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 8:32 am |
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