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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 12:08 pm |
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Anyone know someone that is so negative, that when you're around them for a lengthy period of time, you just want to leave? I'm talking about the person who views themselves as better than all, and almost continuously makes comments on others, after observing them. I know someone like that, and it's pretty annoying. So, I wrote this song called, "Collidoscope". Enjoy it!
"Collidoscope"
Your views so deep in negativity.
Meshing together like a dark collage,
decreasing your compatibility,
and sending you into strong, crushing jaws.
(Pre-Chorus):
This is what- you do,
and I can't- stand you, sometimes.
Lacking control,
and lacking decency.
(Chorus):
Are you really this bad off?
Internally, you're walking along
paths not noticed. Will it ever calm
down,
or will you meet collision
with your kaleidoscope?
How could this all be beautiful to you,
when it's scraping my bones?
You observe and judge. No relevancy.
-Cut into the world with what's like a saw.
Failing to see with no remorse for these
incoherent thoughts on human flaws.
(Pre-Chorus)
(Chorus)
(Bridge):
Close my eyes,
and think of you
for a moment, and I
see your face;
eyes squint and then you cringe
You don't know
or you don't care,
but you walk with a limp,
and when it all goes numb,
(Oh...)
you'll fall down.
(Chorus)
(Outro):
When it all goes numb,
you'll fall down... (when it)
all goes numb,
you'll fall down...
When it all goes numb
-Goes numb...
When it all goes numb,
you'll fall...
(Some minor vocalizations to end)
EnD
Well everyone, that's my latest. Let me know what you think, cause I'd really like to know. Thanks a lot!
Cheers and a smile, All!
RiCterMan |
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minusme
Site Admin
Joined: Jan 25, 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 3648
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| Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 4:59 am |
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Hi Richterman....
I know people EXACTLY like your talking about. Very cool of you to write a song about them!!! I think the subject matter is well written. I've read through them a few times and had a tough time nailing the rhythm of the lyrics the first couple of times. Perhaps it would be easier if I heard them in a song, LOL (or the fact that's its 6:00 am...  )
Thanks for sharing!! I enjoyed these! |
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sixtysecondminute
ubw rookie
Joined: May 27, 2005
Location: Solihull, UK
Posts: 186
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| Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 6:25 am |
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I really like it. Every line has a purpose in the description, unlike others who just seem to add 'filler' lines in to complete a rhyme or acompany the one or 2 good lines they actually have.
I'm sorry I cant give you any other feedback other than it reads well. I'm not on the ball today at all. Rough few nights. If you post a recording sometime, let me know, and I'll do the same. |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 12:01 pm |
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Ron,
When I sing this one out loud, it seems to flow well, but it's all in the way it is sung. I thank you for your comments, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
theblacks,
No need to be sorry. Any feedback is fine, and I'm grateful you replied. Also, I think to write a decent song, a writer needs to put effort into not using any "filler." I've done it accidentally many times, and when someone pointed it out to me, I thought, "why is that there?" In that case I basically stated something I already said in the line before, but in different words. I remember now... It was my first lyrics post on here, "The Black Hole Manifestival". I'm pretty sure I fixed it before I posted it, but I'm not sure. Now I'm curious. Well, I'm gonna go. Cheers though!
RiCterMan |
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