.::When Darkness Comes To Light::. (Feed Gr8ly Appreciated)

ubw newbie Joined: Jun 20, 2005 Location: Uk Posts: 19

Heres a part of a song i aint got a chance to finnish its called "When Darkness Comes To light" ... represent a pause.

¬¬IN THIS WORLD¬¬

Money Is Irelevant...
How Can There Be So Many House Hold Developments...
N Then There Be... Refugees Out In Da Cold, Please... They Got No Elegance...
Cause You Never Gave It To Him... For Christ Sakes They Livin Among Ruins
Till The Grave Im A Lethal Weapon Wit A Deadly Influence

Corruption ...Corrosion....Eruptions In Poltics To Rival The Indain Oceans..
-Waves- Of Emoction... -Brave- Devosion...To Your 'Cause'...
Seems To Never Pay The Divedents Or Match The 'Cost' ..
Of A Human Sacrafice Or Another Life 'Lost'...
People Always Talking About Old Times "And How Peaceful 'It Was'"....
Now We Worship Deceitful 'Gods'...Guchi Linnen And Hugo 'Boss',
Compared To When We Used To Abuse And Beat
Bare Women To Show Them Who 'Was' 'Boss'...

Sell out Or Bust Shells Out....My Continous Ultimatium
If You Aint Rating You Hating....
So f**k You And Your Blunt If Im Goin To Be Blatant

The Youth Labelled And Charged Wit Harrassment...
Government Polcies Stating Belts Needed To Be Fastened...
We "Fleeing Persecution"... For "Being Dissilusioned"..
And "Confusing" ...'Police Work'...
With Racism...When They Throw Are Car 'Keys In The Dirt'...
How Nice Of Them... So Mr Police man ...Show Me Your Licence Then...
The One That States And Allows You To Punish And -Beat Me-...
And To Rub Salt In The Wound They Offer Us A -Peace Treat-y...
All I Demand Is To Be -Fair Treated-...
Instead Of Being -Impaired And Beated-...I Wanna Be -Cared And Treated-...
Lay My Royal Flush On The Table, I Dare You To Try And Match Or -Beat IT.-.. Leave It... Jesus Believe Us, We Want "Peace"...
But We Dealing With "Sneaks"...Snakes 'Crawling'...We 'All In'...
If We Stand Tall Together...
Well Be Fine But If We Divide Well Struggle ~Forever~....
GOD Help Us, Inspire Us Now..
Rain Inspiration From Them Dark Clouds, So I Can See The Light...
Our Time Is Now !!

{Hook}
say it now - say it loud...
and when you pray, pray that one day, we can say it proud
as i stand with my head bowed...
i await my verdict ... floating over white clouds (my time is now)

ubw newbie Joined: Jun 20, 2005 Location: Uk Posts: 19

Positive/ Negative feed is greatly appreciated, but please make it constructive.Cheers!

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:02 am

I would love to give you some feedback.. but tbh, the way you've typed it up makes it a little hard to read through. I realy dont see a need to highlight the rhyming scheme with little things.

ubw newbie Joined: Jun 20, 2005 Location: Uk Posts: 19

Yeah i know, the site i posted it on originally has this custom, if i f**k around with it, will u give me some feed? deal?

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:04 am

sure thing... if you do it before I leave, then sure thing. I'm only here to try and get some feedback on our latest stuff... and there's not many people here, so I'll be going in a minute.

ubw newbie Joined: Jun 20, 2005 Location: Uk Posts: 19

well cool dun, send me a link to ur stuff and il return the favour!

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:16 am

I agree with theblacks about the highlighting, but it's cool. That is fixable. Other than that, the only constructive criticism I've got for ya is the spelling errors, but they could be just typos. I think you're sending a good message, and your wordings are very nice. They seem to have a great flow to them. Great job. Cheers and a smile!

RiCterMan

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:22 am

I'm actually quite impressed mate. I'm not realy a huge fan of rap/hip hop music... but going through this in my head I can sort of hear how it would work out... and I think it could be good.

My only qualms lyrical wise would have to be the lines;

Compared To When We Used To Abuse And Beat
Bare Women To Show Them Who 'Was' 'Boss'...

It's not that I have any objection to you rapping about beating women, I just think that there would be some people in your target audiance who may be offended by it. I also dont think it works with the previous line... as you're rhyming 'boss' with 'boss'. Even though they are in a different context, I just think it doesn't work, and takes out the effect that rhymes are added to create. I'm sure you could replace 'hugo boss' with another of todays false icons, and think of a follow up line with a decent rhyme on it.

I would usually have said somthing about using the word 'beated', as it isn't realy a word... but I think it works well for some reason.

Hope that helps.

I get the feeling you wouldn't like our stuff... as we're a completely different genre, but if you want to have a listen, click the picture in my signature.

Tom

ubw newbie Joined: Jun 20, 2005 Location: Uk Posts: 19

Reciter: Thanx man, Kind words. Yeah and i skipped a few geneligens (english) clkdaldadn (classes) lol. Many thanks

Blacks: Yeah man i understand what your saying. Oh shit by the way, that is criticizin women beaters. My step dad was violent, so im not a big fan, very far from it. But i can see where youre coming from. And i get the hugo boss thing too.Thanx alot man

Ps: Im a fan of good music, that transcends genre. Il check it out on my home pc or in the library cause my college computers have blocked it.

Many thanx.

Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 10:30 am

Loki,

I agree fully. Any man who beats a woman should be in jail for life. -not some lesser sentence, and not be put to death. They deserve to sit in a jail, to go insane while they think of their actions and the insecurities that most likely were behind them. Also, jail inmates aren't that fond of woman beaters, and other criminals, so they could have some fun playing a game of "try to survive the hell", while they're there. Cheers to ya again!

RiCterMan

Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 7:45 am

WORD!! lol jp...Yeah man totally agree. Cheers again!

.::When Darkness Comes To Light::. (Feed Gr8ly Appreciated)

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