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over-drive
ubw newbie
Joined: May 22, 2005
Location: Rotherham
Posts: 30
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| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 6:08 am |
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im 13 now and iv started wrighting songs so tell me wot u think
You took over my life that day
You even said that I would pay
My life is turning away from home
The last thing you said was just a groan
Now because of my anger other people die in this case
In my mind still I see your face
You had to take two steps further
This night had to end in murder
You bullied me you hated me
You taunted me you created me
You destroyed me you killed me inside
And now this pain is too much to hide
You picked me out like no other
You made sure that I had suffer
Now look who’s bullying who
You’re so far dead you haven’t a clue I don’t care
After I see your blood spill
It makes me feel really ill
I saw you take you final breaths
I’m disturbed forever think of nothing but your death
I see your family every day
Now I know I begin to pay
I become over the top paranoid
Now I feel attracted to suicide
You bullied me you hated me
You taunted me you created me
You destroyed me you killed me inside
And now this pain is too much to hide
You picked me out like no other
You made sure that I had suffer
Now look who’s bullying who
You’re so far dead you haven’t a clue (wispier) rest in peace
©2005 Alex cox |
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RiCterMan
ubw luminary
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 12:40 pm |
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Dude, it sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm assuming all the references to murder are just an emphasis, because I don't know how someone would be able to post, if they really did murder someone. Anyway, It's pretty good, for you being only 13, so I give you a lot of credit. The rhyming in it works nicely. It has a great deal of emotion put into it, too.
I started writing lyrics when I was around 16 or 17, so at the most, I've been at this for four years. Reading back on my early songs, I get a pretty good laugh. But I found that I used a lot more emphasis back then, as you may have used in this piece (Not a bad thing).
Keep at it though. You never know what to expect from the future, until the evolution of your skill begins to accelerate. Nice job, man. Cheers!
RiCterMan |
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unbroken_silence
ubw newbie
Joined: Mar 26, 2005
Location: I'm here..in this hellhole.
Posts: 9
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| Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2005 8:36 pm |
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Wow. These relate a little to how I feel almost everyday. They are FULL of emotion. Mostly negative, but hey, most of mine are that way too, lol. But yea, as RiCterMan said, keep at it, because I think you've really got something. Post more soon!!
-Jess |
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deltarain
ubw rookie
Joined: Aug 18, 2005
Location: In my room, listening to loud music, playing guitar.
Posts: 132
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 2:27 pm |
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Hey! I checked out your songs- this one's pretty nice. Lots of raw emotion. One thought- maybe instead of "You made sure that I had suffer" "You made sure that I suffered", like maybe just add the -ed. The original part didn't seem to make a whole lotta sense to me..
Cheers and good work!
Anne |
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