Insomnia

ubw newbie Joined: May 22, 2005 Posts: 12

Well, i'v decided to take a new approach to song writing - as i'm progressing at it, i'm getting more into the hang of making matching sylables etc.

Here is a song of mine that used to be a poem (until i changed it until a song... duh)

I took the chords & tablature out because it looked too messy to post.

Loaded on caffine, for the lonely night,
The TV is left on, sound and flashing light.
Cramped up head with random thoughts,
Shut my eyes, can't sleep no more.

Why is it so hard,
To break the pattern,
Why won't my head, just let it happen,

Outside, the leaves are fallin',
Its cold and the night shifts' yawnin'
Randoming thoughts that taunt my brain,
Split into two, the sleepers below the train.

Why is it so hard,
To get a nap in,
Why won't my eyes, just seal the veins thin,

Whats with the white spot when i close my eyes?
Has it always been there? Or am i deprived -
Of something that we need to live,
Or we fall down and to the in, we give.

©2005 Tom Powell

Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2005 7:48 am

That's good. I like it. I don't know how you take constructive criticism, but I would say, it does need a little work. At the same time, if someone were to read/listen to my lyrics, they'd say the same thing most times. I revise over and over, looking for any mistakes, whether it be a meaning I thought made sense, but one which I may have messed up on a little (or a lot), or mispellings, etc. It is difficult to catch them all, no matter how little you make those mistakes, or how much revision is made.

I'm getting to the point in my skill level, where some of the people I show my songs to sort of get stunned, now and then, and I hope it's truly showing something about my ability. I try not to say "I am great", or anything, because the writer doesn't make the writer great, if everyone thinks badly of their creations.

I like your lyrics though, and it's kind of coincidental, because I wrote a piece titled, "Insomniac" (similar). It's different from your song, because it's less wording, and I wrote this song, to be a song, from the start. I'm not saying, in any way, that your song is too long, and there is something interesting that you may/may not know. Most people know about the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and about their song "Under the Bridge", but not many people don't know how that song came about. It started out, believe it or not, as a poem, just like your song. So, that approach can work very well.

Feel free to give feedback on my first lyrical post: "The Black Hole Manifestival." Great job! Definitely keep creating!

Cheers and a smile!

RiCterMan

ubw newbie Joined: May 22, 2005 Posts: 12

Cheers for the feedback man Smile

Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:57 am

*Nods*

RiCterMan

Insomnia

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