Up In Smoke

ubw newbie Joined: May 22, 2005 Posts: 12

Dizzy head, flashing lights,
Dry throat, sleepless nights.

Pulsing veins meet shakey hands,
Blurry vision and swollen glands.

Sickening pains when i stand up,
Dirty sheets, morning rough.
Eyes are pickled like ruby spikes,
Negative thoughts that mix and dice

Streets are gleaming, lights so bright,
Beautiful feeling, mind set right,

Random rainbow lights appear,
Tranquilized, slight tint of fear.

Can they feel the same as me?
I don't care, i feel so free.
Lets excuse for three hours or so,
Live no pain, skynight glow.

Deafening waterfall, drips on me,
I can't hear, only see.

Taste a drop of ugly spice,
All has changed, it tastes so nice.

Towards the end i give in to be...
Sick and lonely, please help me.

Up in smoke or daylight choke,
Night time vision, worth a toke.
Please don't hate me... just because its not compulsary

And now i wonder, which is best,
Which one has the best effect?
Which one guarantees to me;
The highest time i'll ever see

©2005 Tom Powell

Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 11:56 am

this is a TOTALLY cool song ... i love the lyrics if i may say so it reminds me of 'the killers' you know the song 'Mr.Brightside' because of the short Snapy Catchy Tunes - your future fan - Kate

ubw newbie Joined: Jun 20, 2005 Location: Uk Posts: 19

dats preti cool bro! Nice use of the dictionary too!

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 9:53 am

I see it more of a poem than a song... I dont think I could see it working as a song being so short and snappy all the way through tbh, although I guess you could realy slow it down at the bits where there are 4 blocks instead of just the 2's, and still maintain the rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme is prety frantic. Although hardly any of the rhymes seem forced, it does seem a little to wierd to have a rhyme every other line... and in doing so, you are greatly restricting the vocabulary and adjectives you could otherwise be using.

ubw newbie Joined: Jun 20, 2005 Location: Uk Posts: 19

i know it wasnt meant to be, but i read it like an alternative flowin rap. I agree that this would be hard to sing!!

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 9:57 am

I could see it working in an old bad religion style song... but the market for such music is long since dead. If it's meant to be a song, I would try either loosening the rhyme scheme , or working on the number of sylables in each line, as there are a few lines with 1 too many in, which sort of messes it up a little.

ubw newbie Joined: Jun 20, 2005 Location: Uk Posts: 19

Good advice!

ubw newbie Joined: May 22, 2005 Posts: 12

It is a poem Smile

Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 12:37 pm

score 1 for tom Cool

Up In Smoke

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