  |
Message |
phr33kzilla
ubw newbie
Joined: Dec 28, 2004
Posts: 12
|
| Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 6:01 am |
 |
She sits sweetly
holding neatly
the curves and contours
of the once believed in memories
The eyes of angels
are as of a strangers
cold and heartless
next to hers
With heart shaped anger
she sits and lingers
on the feelings she once explored
lying naked, nearly dying
on her darkened bedroom floor
The past is a good friend
when you have time to spend your life waiting
and anticipating someone you have loved before
Bitterness breeds loneliness
And loneliness comes from within
And deep within her shattered skin
lies the badly wounded lover
who can no longer cover
her eyes to block the opened door
She sits sweetly
holding neatly
the ancient days when she was more than
just a woman with no passion
living life like she's holding ashes
The eyes of angels
are as of a strangers
cold and heartless next to hers
Peace is earned
but soon forgotten
leaving no trace
Like teardrops on a face
leaves lines of hurt and proof of pain
The past is a good friend
when you have time to spend your life waiting
and anticipating someone you have loved before
Bitterness breeds loneliness
And loneliness comes from within
And deep within her shattered skin
lies the badly wounded lover
who can no longer cover
her eyes to block the unopened door
|
|
|
| Back to top |
 |
|
unproject
moderator
Joined: Jul 01, 2004
Location: Turkey
Posts: 2134
|
| Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 6:05 am |
|
good stuff right here  |
|
|
| Back to top |
 |
|
Brooksy
ubw screen dweller
Joined: Oct 08, 2004
Location: The Wastelands
Posts: 1899
|
| Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 6:24 am |
|
Hope you don't mind if I tinker
 
She sits sweetly
holding neatly
the curves and contours
of once believed in memories
Cool up till the last line I've edited it down for y'
The eyes of angels
reflects a strangers
cold and heartless
next to hers
Line two was a little tongue tied.
With heart shaped anger
she sits and lingers
on the feelings she once explored
lying naked, nearly dying
on her darkened bedroom floor
This is excellent. No probs there.
The past is a good friend
when you have time to spend
your life waiting and anticipating
someone you have loved before
Too much on one line. But that's just me being picky, lol.
Bitterness breeds loneliness
And loneliness comes from within
And deep within her shattered skin
lies the badly wounded lover
who can no longer cover
her eyes to block the opened door
This is good. Excellent use of "POWER WORDS"..such as breeds and wounded.
She sits sweetly
holding neatly
the ancient days when she was more
than just a woman with no passion
living life like she's holding ashes
One of the reasons for trying to seperate the lines is to gain a good flow to those who're reading it. Try and keep a mental beat. It's tough, but worth it.
The eyes of angels
reflects a strangers
cold and heartless next to hers
Same as before..just correcting it for continuity.
Peace is earned
but soon forgotten
leaving no trace
Like teardrops on the face
leaves lines of hurt
and proof of pain
Sayin..."on a face" generally take one away to a different person, try and stick with who you're talking about.
The past is a good friend
when you have time to spend
your life waiting and anticipating
someone you have loved before
Bitterness breeds loneliness
And loneliness comes from within
And deep within her shattered skin
lies the badly wounded lover
who can no longer cover
her eyes to block the unopened door
All in all, excellent. Pleasure reading this. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
