Lyrics Critique: Closed For Now

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Brooksy
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Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 5:07 pm Reply with quote

OKies. So you got some new lyrics, but you ain't sure on 'em. Drop them here and I'll look 'em over.
Be warned, a thick skin is required. I'll be honest and straight to the point. But in the end, I'll try and help.
One post per artist a day please. I have split personalities but only ten fingers to type.

edit : just to let you kno that brooksy's away for a while (unproject)
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Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 12:44 pm

Ten Lepers

Drying pools of radiation
kill the worlds naive temptation
Bolts of lightning strike the globe
smell those burning bodies mold.

Centuries pass yet life is rare.
Living people still filled with fear.
Lifeless bodies with lifeless souls.
Visions seen wield tales untold.

Master of my sorrow,
Pity me as those you've kept alive.
Master of tomarrow,
Sorrow has never lifted from these eyes.

Whats happening to me?
I cant believe my eyes.
Help me Oh God help me.
Please don't take my life.

Womens whombs fill with fire
victims of the atomic crier
Slaves now given rights to obey.
Politicians of this atomic day.

Priests faiths come undone
Satan rises from the son.
Priests pray for gods salvation.
No one heeds for their starvation.
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Brooksy
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Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 12:54 pm Reply with quote

Hiya dude....

Good detailed lyric to get the point across.

Centuries pass yet life is rare.
Living people still filled with fear.
Lifeless bodies with lifeless souls.
Visions seen wield tales untold.


Line 2 could sound more like: Living people instilled with fear.

Womens whombs fill with fire
victims of the atomic crier
Slaves now given rights to obey.
Politicians of this atomic day.


Line 3: Cut the now out to help the flow. Maybe it's me, but it seemed stilted.

Priests faiths come undone
Satan rises from the son.
Priests pray for gods salvation.
No one heeds for their starvation.


Line 1: Priests faith come undone

Line 3: Priests pray for salvation (already saying about the faith it may be obvious to some they'll be praying to god-Show Don't Tell.)

Too bad you're nameless, but heck...
This is just my little bit of advice, take it or burn it as always.
In my mind it's a definite metal screamer, and apart from a few typos, it's a darn good job.
Keep it up Mysterious dude.
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Thekiks
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Joined: Dec 11, 2004
Location: Southampton UK
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Posted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 8:32 am Reply with quote

Deluge

Iím standing at the cross roads
Last stop for the lost souls
Last stop for the mind
I've seen this hypocrite writ freak show
From the cheap seats on the backrow
Are we all just doing time?

Well the pressures mounting up now
And the floods will not refrain
Cause I see the deluge is coming
So let it rain

The calm before the storm has broken
The last bitter words are spoken
See the cracks around my eyes
The words I used to paint a picture from
Now I seem to choke on
The sky is falling in my mind

Well the pressures mounting up now
And the dams about to brake
Well I see the deluge is coming
And not to late

Well you, you analyse my problems
And I wish that you could solve them
Well my muse is yours to loan
Yeah I know just what is comming
But you wont see me running
Iíll be waiting here alone

Well the pressures mounting up now
See the cracks around my head
Well I see the deluge is coming
Just like I said
Well I see the deluge is coming
Just like I said

Written by: Paul McGeachie & Reggie Bryant
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Brooksy
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Posted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 10:57 am Reply with quote

Allllriiiggghhhtttyyyy, guys.

Now, remeber these are just my own personal grabs...it might sound ok with the music you got. So take the suggestions or leave 'em. Very Happy


Iím standing at the cross roads
Last stop for the lost souls
Last stop for the mind
I've seen this hypocrite writ freak show
From the cheap seats on the backrow
Are we all just doing time?


In line two knock out the, it's amazing, when just reading something how one word can disrupt the flow.
writ...hmmm....maybe you could drop that...not needed really, the key word is hypocrite on that line so carry a note extra....maybe..up to you.

Well the pressures mounting up now
And the floods will not refrain
Cause I see the deluge is coming
So let it rain


Line one: up now....If the pressure's mountin, then also do it lyrically. Try to keep it tight.

The calm before the storm has broken
The last bitter words are spoken
See the cracks around my eyes
The words I used to paint a picture from
Now I seem to choke on
The sky is falling in my mind


I like lines 1 and 2. You're kinda sayin', look the chances before we end this have almost gone. Very cool.
Again a knock-out here...from out of line 4.


Well the pressures mounting up now
And the dams about to brake
Well I see the deluge is coming
And not to late


LIne 3: Did you mean will? Just checking Very Happy
Goor use of wording with pressure and dam...you're giving a good scale to set the words by.

Well you, you analyse my problems
And I wish that you could solve them
Well my muse is yours to loan
Yeah I know just what is comming
But you wont see me running
Iíll be waiting here alone


Just one you in line one would do it. Apart from that...good section

Very good lyric, a few niggles that we all get, but very good. Like I said, take my suggestions or go down the pub and tell everyone what a jerk I am Laughing
Thanks for submitting.
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Thekiks
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Location: Southampton UK
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Posted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 3:57 pm Reply with quote

Hi just returned from the pub where I was calling you a jerk Wink

Thanks for your advice, all taken on board.

there is and mp3 of 'DELUGE' on the site below

http://www.freewebs.com/thekiks/index.htm
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Brooksy
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Posted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:25 pm Reply with quote

Yep, checked it out earlier....Cool song
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Posted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 11:48 pm

My life is built on the remains
Of broken memories
This endless cycle kills me now
Iím so far down
Iím left out of conversations with myself
Words mean nothing anyway
Youíve got me in your hands
But tomorrow, tomorrowís another day

Your love is poison to emotion
You donít care at all
But whatís worth feeling when the healing
Spent cigarettes and alcohol
Go ahead and do it, Life is all too useless
So dramatic yet an easy escape
Though it may not seem likely,
There surely is a better way-
Tomorrowís another day

But I still see you in my dreams
That I donít have cause I canít sleep
The burning memories, of our last days
Why donít you take me away
Youíve been doing longer lines
Cutting yourself up all the time
Iíve been living this lie so long
That thereís no going back- lets just move on

And you say that this time,
Never felt right
Out of excuses you stole from a story
My heart will go out
Fell victim to doubt
You say this means yes, but I know it will kill me

Tomorrowís another day (x4) refrain
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Brooksy
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Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 3:17 am Reply with quote

Heartfelt and at times a little disturbing, this lyric is truly from way down deep. The one thing that really grabs me is the simplicity. There's no overworking of words or trying to emphasise one point too much.
The very directness of the lyric keeps a person reading, getting involved with the story being told. More importantly, it's when I reader/listener can connect with that story, that's when a lyric is well done and the writer has accomplished his/her job.

You have, and very well done.
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Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 7:23 am

There was a time
when I could talk to you my friend
you dont need to say
dont need to answer the question
I already know what you think

Before the war
Before the fighting ever starts
When we fought for freedom
before we thought we'd won.

I see the sign
scrawled in biro on the wall
in my own words
but it answers the question
I thought I was the one to ask

The damage was done so slowly
cant believe it was you all along, you're insidious.
Every time I thought it was a natural low
every time I was wrong, it was you, you're insidious.
With the damage you've done it might be to late
we'll just have to wait and see what the verdict is.
'coz if I can't trust you then there's no-one else
you've become the anti-self, you're insidious.

Now Im all alone,
And I cant see me coming back
from this again
Because I've been here once
And I thought I knew the score

And I dont think
I can do it all again
I have to end it now
or see it through till the end.

The damage was done so slowly
cant believe it was you all along, you're insidious.
Every time I thought it was a natural low
every time I was wrong, it was you, you're insidious.
With the damage you've done it might be to late
we'll just have to wait and see what the verdict is.
'coz if I can't trust you then there's no-one else
you've become the anti-self, you're insidious.
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Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 7:37 am

This one's called Electric Culture Shock

Closer, than ever before
Hong Kong to New York in the time it takes to eat a bowl of cornflakes
And your legs still ache.

Better, Or so Im told
Coz I can talk to my Mum even when Im in another country
Tell her never to come.

So what do I do when we all fall down
When I dial the wrong code, or call the wrong town
or I blow up a plane,
or I shoot up a zoo,
Coz thats the sort of thing that I sometimes do
When I can feel an Electric Culture Shock coming on.

Nicer, In a friendly way
If we shake hands and smile you wont know how much I wanna kill you,
But I really do.

Freer, more than ever before,
We can say what we want when we want to whoever we want to,
we just wont shut up.

So what do I do when we all fall down
When I dial the wrong code, or call the wrong town
or I blow up a plane,
or I shoot up a zoo,
Coz thats the sort of thing that I sometimes do
When I can feel an Electric Culture Shock coming on.

Beautiful, and you know you are,
You're looking so good every stalker you meet's gonna stalk you,
you know you want him to.

So what do we do when the walls come down
when I dial the wrong code, and call the wrong town,
and I breathe really deep but I dont make a sound,
because you're looking too good every night in the town,
When I know I've got the knife but I can't put it down,
With the TV on and the radio loud,
When I can't feel the beet with your fist in my gut,
when you know Im a man because I call you a slut,
So I'll blow up a plane
Or I'll shoot up a zoo,
Coz that's the sort of thing that you're making me do
when I can feel an electric culture shock coming on.

Can you feel the electric culture shock coming on.
We all need an electric culture shock coming on.
You cant stop the electric culture shock coming on.
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ratisha
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Joined: Apr 03, 2005

Posts: 34

Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 2:36 pm Reply with quote

hiya, i was wondering if you could check out my lyrics and tell me what you think, for lyrics visit http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/ratisha belush,
thank you
ratsx

for those about to rock...
i sulute you Evil or Very Mad
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StillLaughing
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Joined: Apr 05, 2005
Location: La Quinta, California
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Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 10:44 pm Reply with quote

This is one of the first songs i ever wrote it's played on a acoustic guitar. i dont know if its good or not you be the judge. It's called summer falls.



This is our last summer we're watching
the stars as tears fall down my face.
I'll miss you alot i dont wanna loose you so
please be safe. I'll stumble upon you another day.


chorus: So long to this summer you were there for me
now its time for us to go our seprate ways.

I'll never forget your face. Your smile is sweet it
could be in my head for days. I can talk to you for hours
you make my world a better place. I hope i did the same. We
would sit on my roof and look at the clouds they were all different
shapes. I'll be on mine tonight looking for you mabye i'll see you, we'll
find a way so connect agian.

chorus: So long to this summer you were there for me
now its time for us to go our seprate ways. I fell in love this summer
i hope you did to. So long to this summer.
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unproject
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Location: Turkey
Posts: 2139

Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 4:20 am Reply with quote

dear ubw'ers, our beloved brooksy isnt around nowadays, so i edited first post that way. i am sure he will get on to your lyrics soon when he's back, thanks
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Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 4:31 pm

here's a few...

hold on tight

dragged out to sea, i knew i had to hook it
it was the only way out, so i went and took it
now this tight stretched coil, i line from me to this fish
if only you were here, but i can only wish
salts soaked this fights dreams
as i watch the weary warbler fly to shore
and see these coils getting red.
Youíll see Iíll find my way

i'm so glad, that we don't have to try
to kill the sun, moon, and stars
isn't it enough to just live in this sea
these deep creased scars, old as erosions in the desert
but look into these eyes, they remain undefeated yet
i know this boat, prisoner
Liberater will be ok,
you'll see me find my way.

chorus:

and i have to pull
the battle must be won by me alone
these waves that i must ride
no matter what direction they might go
when you're sitting in a skiff
with a line across your back i know
when thunder rolls and lightning strikes
there's nothing you can do but hold on tight

the road seems long, my strides seem so much shorter
donít let yourself get down, you know it follows order
well there in neverland, i wasn't getting older
now i've left my home and childhood
i think you might have left me somewhat colder
but youíll see Iíll find my way

chorus:
and i have to pull
the battle must be won by me alone
these waves that i must ride
no matter what direction they might go
when you're sitting in a skiff
with a line across your back i know
when thunder rolls and lightning strikes
there's nothing you can do but hold on tight

Bridge:
and this life, it'll only be worth living if you live it right
don't be afraid to put, every last breath in this night
whatever may come, all you gotta do is hold on tight
and this furled sail
patched with flour sack i know
looks like a flag of permanent defeat
but i, will, not, let myself get beat


Another trend turns round the corner...

I said keep it real baby itís all about the feel
When you want something so bad that you might
Grab onto anything that comes bye
Well donít try,
It didnít work last time and everything was just fine
Until you felt these pictures had to go again but friends
Donít just leave to different places
When their faces sketched with pencil become permanently attached.

And itís sad that it hurts like to hell to leave
On familiar faces and smiling goodbyes
But it flies that aero planeís live in the sky
And itís simplest that way but to stay
Would bring it all crashing down again
Another trend turns round the corner
Till itís over enough so that she knows
That sheís helplessly lost for certainÖ
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