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JayMan123
ubw newbie
Joined: Apr 20, 2009
Location: England
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 1:02 am |
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Hi, I'm new my name is Jay and this is a quick piece of lyrics which I wrote this morning in about 30 minutes. Please rate and feedback. This is my first ever lyrics.
It is a duet between a man and a woman.
Man= Normal text
Woman= Italics Text
Both= Bold Text
Time is passing us by,
So from now I won't lie.
I wanna spend the rest of my days,
Fufilling the ever-growing craze,
Of spending my life with you.
It hasn't happened yet,
So I want you to know:
I'm always gonna be with you
With us, nothing will get through,
I'll hold you through all our bad times.
'Coz nothings gonna happen to you.
I'll love you 'till the end of time.
I hope you wanna be with me too.
You are such a big part of me,
You're everything I wanna be.
Coz all I want is to be in your arms,
And all I want is to hear your charm.
And spending my life with you.
If you don't know yet,
I want you to know:
I'm always gonna be with you
With us, nothing will get through,
I'll hold you through all our bad times.
'Coz nothings gonna happen to you.
I'll love you 'till the end of time.
I hope you wanna be with me too.
When I leave you, all I think of is:
Your lips, your hands
Your beautiful smile.
Your hair, your ears,
Your cute button nose.
Your feet, your legs,
Your bright blue eyes.
I'll love you 'till the end of time!
Time is passing by,
So from now I wont lie:
I'm always gonna be with you
With us, nothing will get through,
I'll hold you through all our bad times.
'Coz nothings gonna happen to you.
I'll love you 'till the end of time.
I hope you wanna be with me too.
I'm always gonna be with you
With us, nothing will get through,
I'll hold you through all our bad times.
'Coz nothings gonna happen to you.
I'll love you 'till the end of time.
I hope you wanna be with me too.
Thanks guys, I appreciate any feedback.
JayMan123  |
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texter-bernd
ubw rookie
Joined: Sep 05, 2008
Location: Germany
Posts: 64
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 5:04 am |
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Maybe you should have spent a little more time on this text. Namely on the chorus!
"With us, nothing will get through" - what's that supposed to mean?
"'Coz nothing's gonna happen to you" - no need to hold her/him through bad times then.
"I hope you wanna be with me too" - that's too weak.
The verses aren't too great either:
"You're everything I wanna be" - she wants to be a man then?
"Your hair, your ears," - ears?! I understand what you feel or mean, but it sounds rather stupid in a song.
"Your cute button nose." - button nose, well ...
"Your feet, your legs, " - your feet?! (I hope they don't stink).
Well, don't take my harsh words too seriously. I think I've actually got the feeling you're trying to express, I just don't think that it can come across in a song. Do you know "Je t’aime … moi non plus"? Your words actually could work if sung like that, as silly as they look when you read them.
How about giving it a little more time the next time?
Cheers,
Bernd |
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Kumar
ubw newbie
Joined: Jun 10, 2009
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Wed Jun 10, 2009 7:29 pm |
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^^^
yeah. a lot of it seems as though it was written just so that it rhymed. But I hear an 80's rock ballad. lol |
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Unwholly
ubw newbie
Joined: Jun 12, 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Thu Jun 11, 2009 11:49 pm |
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Jayman texter gave some really obvious criticisms and you should consider what he's getting at, he knows what he's talking about.
Most of the lyrics seem like spoon-fed allegory... like something you might have been into as a child, and in a way that reflection of youthful joy comes through BUT it comes through as stunted adolescence and NOT as the expressions of transcendent consciousness. We like lyrics that confound our senses, that elicit in us the experience of COMPLETE abandonment by language-- words no longer are what they are!
Though I do like:
You are such a big part of me,
You're everything I wanna be.
Coz all I want is to be in your arms,
And all I want is to hear your charm.
And spending my life with you.
it seems to be a better representation of how selfish love really is-- in that what we want from the other is really a better version of ourselves. The eternal narcist. But you could still say it better.
I would've said:
A warrior I wanna be;
Dirty secret big part of me;
It's always been my dream to wear your skin;
And lick with your tongue another's skin;
When we get lost there we go..
Anyway. It's great to write and keep it up, and look for ways to say something that seems weird.
This is how words become weapons. We want to write so that in doing so we take back existence from language and thought.
Drew |
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