I woke up this morning
Face first in a bush of nettles
Naked as the day I was born
Cuts all over my genitals
-
After a night of heavy drinking
Which I won't soon forget
I'm nude in the middle of nowhere
With no way of getting home
-
I keep to the sidestreets and alleys
Hoping no-one sees me pass
In my haste I slip right over
Now I have scratches on my ass
-
I'm cut, bruised, cold and hungry
Without a clue of where I am
I see a group of kids coming this way
I hope they don't see my ham

*Chorus***************************************************
*I'm Taking The Schlong Way Home! *
*Running home really fast, flapping in the breeze *
*When the kids see me they ask about the birds and bees *
*Stay away from that dirty man, you might catch a disease*
**********************************************************

I avoid a confontation
by ducking behind a car
then I realise there's someone in it
Now I hear the cops ain't far
-
So I'm running through the gardens
With some bacon on my trail
I catch my snosage while jumping fence
Now it's practically a tail
-
LOOK KIDS THERE GOES BIGFOOT
THAT STOOPID HAIRY APE
I grab a towel off someone's line
And wear it like a cape
-
Now I Roam the Hills of Skegness
In a constant state of haze
I live off sheep in a nearby field
Where I live out the rest of my days

Chorus

End