Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
|Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:52 pm
This is pretty good, man.
First, I'll give you my criticism on it. I found one thing that I think you might want to look at again, and think more about. The first two lines, "Wake me up when I die, because I am too young to stay alive", looks kinda' funny too me. -Not funny as in humorous; funny like they don't have the right meaning. See, in a literal sense, if someone wakes you up, that usually means that you're still alive, and that could be interpreted as, "wake me up, when I'm not alive anymore." Someone actually doing that, just isn't possible. But on the other side of things, speaking medaphorically, using wake in lyrics, in many cases, means something along the lines of rejuvination, which does work, but it just seems kind of odd in comparison to the rest of the song (-just my view). After that, when it says you're too young to stay alive, when I read the first line, that ends up seeming out of place, to me. I think if you wanted to better portray the idea of death having an appeal to you (I think that's what you went for), you might change that to something else that would improve upon what you wrote. If it were me, I'd just take out the word, "wake", replace that with a more abstract word, and then rearrange the rest of the first line to fit that. At the same time, still try to give the next line more of a relevant relation to the first.
Now, besides that, I don't see why the length of it would matter, as long as you sing it in a way that makes it work (No insult meant by this, En-En). I know that in Rock music, there can be a song that lasts three to four minutes, sometimes longer, while being comprised of less lyrics than you posted here.
If you look through some of TOOL, or The Deftones lyrics, you can find examples of that. One that comes to mind quickly, is TOOL's song, "Disposition", off of the "Lateralus" LP. If I wanted to (I don't), I could type all the lyrics out, right here, and it wouldn't amount to that much lyrical content. -Phenomenal song, and it's close to three minutes long, if I can recall. That's pretty long for what Maynard wrote. So, the length of this song can work, if you try to make it do that.
If it were a rap song you were writing, That's different. This song could last only a mere 30 seconds to a minute, as a rap song, which would, more than, possibly make it too short. But I've read from you that your style of music is Rock, which means these lyrics could be turned into something that has enough lengthiness, pretty easily.
Last thing I'll say to you, is I ignored the fact that I disagree with the thought that "death is appealing", because if I said something against that to you, that isn't criticism. It's an opinion that wouldn't help you write better, and I'm saying this, because I don't want others to think that I'm saying anything along the lines of something that would agree. I was just tryin' to help with what you wrote, all opinions pushed away.
I know this was a long reply. It was all directed towards Bullet, so if you got a problem, I didn't mean for that, though it doesn't matter too much, to me. If sounds rude, it's just honesty that looks mean over the net. Cheers, to Bullet, and anyone else who wants the glass raised!