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jordz
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Joined: Jul 31, 2005

Posts: 3

Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 11:15 am Reply with quote

Hey guys

This is my first post on this site
so i hope this is in the right place (sorry if its not)
this is one of my first ballad type songs iv written a few rock type songs though
i just need some advice on a song im writing
i know its not very good but hopfully with u guys help it can b a little better

Missing yous the hardest thing Ive ever had to do
Standing watching u walk away,
Id never thought it through
No matter how hard it is
We can work through this shit

Trust in me,
Our love is strong
We will always carry on

Coz no one believed we were right
Yet we put up the fight
And Ill give all up I got
Just to be with you again

Trust in me,
Our love is strong
We will always carry on

Days I wake up again, the days I want it to end
Every second I wait is one more closer to you
One day well realize the reason
Why they put us through this shit

Trust in me,
Our love is strong
We will always carry on
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En-En
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Joined: Apr 30, 2005

Posts: 81

Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 11:54 am Reply with quote

man it's aait.. i mean u gona get beta... ya now wat i'm sayin
and i fink ya gota rim der mo... coz der's abota 2-3 lins wit no rim man...
so try to rim a lil bit mo and it's realy aait...

PIS

INDEFINITE
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jordz
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Joined: Jul 31, 2005

Posts: 3

Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 7:12 pm Reply with quote

thanx
any1 else got any advice
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sixtysecondminute
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Joined: May 27, 2005
Location: Solihull, UK
Posts: 186

Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:07 pm Reply with quote

I would disregard the previous post.

This doesn't seem like rap music... so I don't see a need for any more rhyme. Music with constant rhymes has no substance to me.

1 piece of advice... I know that saying 'shit' instead of stuff is a popular turn of phrase; I for 1 say it alot. I just don't think it works with music. Not a ballad anyway.
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RiCterMan
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Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742

Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 12:18 am Reply with quote

First, Welcome to the UBW, Jordz! You can call me Rick, or RiCterMan.

I don't know how experienced you are at writing lyrics, but this is pretty good. Let me just say that if I were a girl, or a gay man, and this were about me, I'd be in love with ya! Laughing That was a joke, but what I meant by it, is that while I was reading it, I could visualize a possible sound that it could have, and it has potential to sound very nice. That means if you sang it to whoever it's about, they might just start to lean their head in a gaze that says, "I want you!!"

Like En-En said, you'll improve upon your ability, in time. If you have any doubts about that, search my username for my past posts, and look for a post I made. It's very old, and I found it shortly before I decided to post it. I'm not sure what the thread title was, but I'll find it in a second, and PM it to you, in case you care to look.

I really don't have any advice to add, but I do agree with what Tom said about saying "shit," in a ballad. Well, there is one thing I noticed... Does this have a title? If not, you should come up with one. If already have one, I'm curious to know it. Cheers, Jordz!

RiCterMan
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jordz
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Joined: Jul 31, 2005

Posts: 3

Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 12:52 am Reply with quote

Thanx heaps guys

I wrote the song for my 1year anniverserary which is in a few days with my girlfriend and i moved states a few months ago and i wont be moving back 4 another year

iv decided to change the lyrics and remove shit
the first 1 is now
We can work through this together

and the other line
Why they put us through all this

i dont have a title yet but it will probably be trust in me or we will always carry on

again thanx heaps
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RiCterMan
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Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 742

Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 2:02 am Reply with quote

Hey Jordz, it's me again.

Your ideas for the title made me come up with a suggestion, and it's only meant to help. The suggestion is, you should try to come up with a title that is given more effort than usual, to make it the most creative title that you can think of. If you were to do that, it would give it a much more special touch, when you show your girl.

See, when I write a song about a girl I'm in love with, or at least think I may be in love with, I give it a stronger effort, even with the title. I wrote this one song about a girl, and at the time, I had a growing attraction to her. I thought about what I would call it for a, somewhat, long time (around two days), and wrote down "Lucid" as a temporary title. The title ended up changing to "The Reverie of Athena". Just in case you don't know (chances are, you do), reverie means daydream, and Athena was a greek, mythological, goddess (Zeus's lover). I posted the song in this forum, but I'm not gonna' advertise it, or anything.

It's a funny thing about that girl... Those feelings for her were very short-lived, and I still meant every word that I wrote about her, when I wrote it.

Anyway, I apologize for the lengthiness here. I try to be brief, but when I type anything, I end up thinking too in depth, and revising posts doesn't make them much shorter. Cheers, Jordz!

RiCterMan
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