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The_Foreboding
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Joined: Sep 07, 2004
Location: Japan
Posts: 57

Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 8:43 am Reply with quote

Here's one I've already recorded, but I have reservations about the ending.

Any comments???

As the new morning broke
And the light found my eyes,
I held aside my desires, and let go.
And in a sad state of grace,
With a heart numbed to calm,
I watched as my hopes broke like glass on a stone.
You could touch me no more;
I had left you behind,
Forlorn in a distant dark room in my mind.
And my beautiful friend,
You would haunt me no more
When I summoned the strength to force home the door.

Had you suffered for me?
Pale and sleepless and drawn,
Awaiting the sound of my foot in the hall?
When the new morning broke
And the light touched your eyes
Did you wake to the sound of the crash in surprise?
For these beautiful dreams
That had weighed our hearts down
Laid scattered and shattered in shards on the ground.
Till once more on our knees,
Hands bleeding and torn,
We piece love together again in the dawn.
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unproject
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Joined: Jul 01, 2004
Location: Turkey
Posts: 2139

Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 8:52 am Reply with quote

very nice, good stuff right here

peace
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Brooksy
ubw screen dweller
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Joined: Oct 08, 2004
Location: The Wastelands
Posts: 1897

Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 9:58 am Reply with quote

Hmmm...let's see

1/ For these beautiful dreams
2/ That had weighed our hearts down
3/ Laid scattered and shattered in shards on the ground.
4/ Till once more on our knees,
5/ Hands bleeding and torn,
6/ We piece love together again in the dawn.


Very poetic, and good imagery but line 3 seems to lose the beat a little. You said you've already recorded it so I won't make a massive comment:

3/ Now broken shards scattered across the ground.

and drop AGAIN in line 6

Apart from that....loved it.
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Soulfish
ubw luminary
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Joined: Nov 07, 2004
Location: Brighton
Posts: 705

Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 12:41 pm Reply with quote

The_Foreboding wrote:
Here's one I've already recorded, but I have reservations about the ending.

Any comments???

As the new morning broke
And the light found my eyes,
I held aside my desires, and let go.
And in a sad state of grace,
With a heart numbed to calm,
I watched as my hopes broke like glass on a stone.
You could touch me no more;
I had left you behind,
Forlorn in a distant dark room in my mind.
And my beautiful friend,
You would haunt me no more
When I summoned the strength to force home the door.

Had you suffered for me?
Pale and sleepless and drawn,
Awaiting the sound of my foot in the hall?
When the new morning broke
And the light touched your eyes
Did you wake to the sound of the crash in surprise?
For these beautiful dreams
That had weighed our hearts down
Laid scattered and shattered in shards on the ground.
Till once more on our knees,
Hands bleeding and torn,
We piece love together again in the dawn.


A beautiful piece eloquently put. Always feels strange to me when raw pain is expressed in polished prose - a rare skill. Keep on keepin on. How's the song go? Question
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The_Foreboding
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Joined: Sep 07, 2004
Location: Japan
Posts: 57

Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:04 am Reply with quote

Thanks for taking the time to read through that nonsense. I appreciate the comments and ideas. The third line in Brooksy comments does work with the rythym of the song. It's what comes after that falters.

The track is up on another OMD. I'd like to post it here too, but I'm out of space and out of cash to buy more, and unsure about the propriety or otherwise of posting a link here. Question

If it's cool I will post it.

Thanks
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Brooksy
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Joined: Oct 08, 2004
Location: The Wastelands
Posts: 1897

Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 2:26 pm Reply with quote

Might be ok in non-UBW or just PM me the link...loved to hear it.
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BEBE
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Joined: Nov 19, 2004

Posts: 61

Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 2:57 pm Reply with quote

My advice and I am not used to giving this ouside of my family, so here goes, is to keep playing it over and over (live) and let your subconscious sort it out for you.

If youcan bear the pain of the song that is. But sometimes if we sing these painful lyrics that are coming truly from our real selves it is quite therapeutic.

You might end up with totally diferent lyrics for your ending just let yourself go into the emotion of the song and trust yourself. It's a beautiful song, by the way lol
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ROGUE
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Joined: Oct 17, 2004
Location: CORK
Posts: 45

Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 6:24 pm Reply with quote

I'm listening here [url]http://www.mp3unsigned.com/Showmp3.asp?mp3id=8419&aid=841 [/url] now and will examine the ending.

As you know I love this song and love your ability to paint a picture so vividly in the head.
The only thing that I could say to explore with this song is to finish with a question.
I'll elaborate a bit.
Lets say you are happy with the first verse where you lay out the scene, you make a statement you know where you are (in the song).

The second verse starts by asking questions and about how things are after last night and portray your sense of angst.
But the verse finishes with :

For these beautiful dreams
That had weighed our hearts down
Laid scattered and shattered in shards on the ground.
Now once more on our knees,
Hands bleeding and torn,
We piece love together again in the dawn.

This is more of a statement and doesnt carry the same level of angst.
In my humble opinion I'd say try to end it with a question : e.g.

For these beautiful dreams
That had weighed our hearts down
Laid scattered and shattered in shards on the ground.
Now once more on our knees,
Hands bleeding and torn,
Will We piece love together again in the dawn?
OR
Will we summone the strength to piece love together again in the dawn?

That last bit there I'm trying to mirror the last line of the first verse and include the bit about piecing it altogether again,I dont think it will fit but you may get what I'm getting at. You would do a better job of gelling it anyway.

Otherwise just leave the song as it is.
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The_Foreboding
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Joined: Sep 07, 2004
Location: Japan
Posts: 57

Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:20 am Reply with quote

Oh, ROGUE - sorry I just noticed this. Thanks for listening to the song again and for your ideas on getting the message across better. Very much appreciated. I see the symmetry you're working towards and that kind of unification of form and content is a damn good idea. Thanks.

But I think I've cracked it more simply. Maybe.

The song is about letting go of someone that you don't really want to let go of, but realise somehow that you must. The decision is a unilateral one, about which the other side of the relationship knows nothing. The song tells the story of the pain and angst of letting go, and how it will effect the other. But the last three lines are where you realise that despite all the pain and damage it's going to cause you, you can't go through with it. That's the punch at the finish.

And what's wrong is the 'our' and 'We' in the last three lines. Change to 'my' and 'I' and it comes together. Maybe. Laughing

Thanks again for taking the time. Cheers!
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